Riser.

I have been given this amazing gift. The gift of forgiveness. The gift of freedom. The gift of this beautiful, amazing, new beginning. I have not fully realized this until today. Today I hung up the phone. Inhaled deeply and headed to take a shower.

My day was a usual day of football practice, Netflix, chicken sausage with my Spark, the gym, cracking up with my goddaughter, communicating with a handsome gentleman, and of course going back and forth about what, when, or even if I was going to write. I have been battling a few demons and although my words are begging to come out, I seem to be hoarding them. Keeping them for myself. I am not sure what I am afraid of, but I will tell you, I am afraid. Those last chapters describe so much hurt and so much pain. I think maybe I am afraid of reliving and having to began the healing process all over again. I may be afraid of reality. I am unsure at this point. But I do have a large group of folks who are eagerly waiting to see those words that I am selfishly holding hostage. Those words will anger some. Heal some. Expose some. But for now it is MY story. My words that make up who I am. Once they are released into the wild, and they will be, it will no longer be just my story or my words. I will share them with everyone  but right now I am holding onto my last bits of privacy. My last bits of secrecy. My last bits of a long, thorny journey that is has finally come to an end.

A weight was taken off of my shoulders today. And for all of us who are or who have been suffering with ending a relationship with a toxic person in fear of them changing for someone else, let me put your minds at ease. They do not change. They are the exact same person they were with you, but now worse. Tonight as I got in the shower I thanked God for my journey. My path. My road that was paved with nothing but shit storms, sadness ,and total confusion. I thanked God for giving me my freedom and the amazing life I am living. I am not living a Facebook amazing life, I am living an actual amazing life. I am surrounded with nothing but supportive friends who love me. I have the most amazing family. My kids are here and I have a full house with the addition of my goddaughter being with me until she leaves for college and I finally figured out my hair. My life is full. And I am free to enjoy this new beginning I have been given.  And I will enjoy this life. I will not take it for granted. I will love hard and I will rest easy, but I will never forget my lessons and I will never have to wonder ever again.

There is hope. Be brave. Come, sit with me and lets talk…..IMG_6841

Kelly Smith~Signs in the Rear View Mirror~ Book Update!!!

When I began writing about my previous relationship, I had no idea how many of you were in the same situation. Some through it, others smack in the middle. Some needed clarity, while others just needed to relate to someone. When I started seeing Jake, I wanted a relationship not a weekly series on destruction. But today I am grateful for Jake. I am grateful for every second I had with him, all of it. The good and the bad. Without him, I would not be who I am today. Today I am healthy. I am ready. I am a new woman. A woman I am proud of. A mom who has a clue. A friend who now can feel love and support. An ex-wife who understand and respects boundaries. A sister who is present and shows up. An aunt who brings fancy toothbrushes and who is the proud owner of a very impressive Pokemon card. I had to hit the ground in order to rise. I needed to be broken so I could be rebuilt. Granted it didn’t have to hurt that much. It didn’t have to be that destructive, but it was and here I am today. Today because of my strength and my amazing support system I am able to write so others can understand this type of relationship and seek help or at least have hope to hold onto.

You, my readers, are on this journey with me. You are here reading and you are hopeful for a happy ending. Spoiler alert, there are no happy endings in real life, but there is hope and happiness along with sadness on the way. I am hopeful for happiness with someone else, but right now, today I have so much happiness on my own I am giving some away on the street corner. So if you are in this sort of relationship, I am waiting for you here, with the blue skies, green grass and a ton of belly laughs. When you show up, we shall have tea!

The progression of my book is in full force. I have pretty much completed the first 10 chapters. I have about 4 more to go. I have added more detail to each of my “episodes”. I have taken a little turn that my editor seemed to really enjoy. I am pretty excited about that. But the chapters that I have yet to write, will not be easy to get out nor will they spill all over my laptop. These chapters will be difficult. Painful. I am not sure I am ready to open this box, but I will.

In The Land of Mom: the tale of a narcissistic mother

Jake’s Final Destination, Austin Texas: coming face to face with the FBI and a 5 pound criminal record.

The Love Triangle: He met her, fell in love ,and cheated. But kept a huge secret that I discovered..

Recovery: Hello past its nice to meet you, my name is Kelly I am ready for you to dismantle me and help put the pieces back together..

These are extremely difficult to write, for obvious reasons. I have been through hell and I am here. This does not mean I am looking forward to my readers sitting up late at night seeing my biggest mistakes and my regrets, but this is why I have been giving both this gift and this amazing life. Of course those are only working titles, but for me I need to face the fact that I am going to expos some pretty intense moments with the entire world. But I know my readers read because I am truthful. Raw. Real. Honest. It is because of this so many can relate. If you have not yet tunes into my podcast on dating, check it out!!! Link below!!

 

 

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Let’s Get Wicked Deep~ A Podcast~ The Space Between No Longer and Not Yet~ Episode 2

” As I sat across the table from him, just him, I felt as ease. Safe. Happy. Interested. In that moment and for the rest of the night, that was the only place I wanted to be, near him. For the first time in a very long time, Jake was not present with me. With us. It was just the two of us laughing, living, and beginning again”.

Take your time and live in the darkness so you can also begin again…..

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Kelly Smith~Signs in the Rear View Mirror~Book Edition…

As many of you already know I have signed a book deal with Sunny Day Publishing to turn my weekly series “Signs in the Rearview Mirror” into a book. I have been working, writing, rewriting, and smashing my head into a wall to be sure this book comes out exactly the way I want it to in order to help as many as I can. I know as I help others I am exposing parts of myself to the entire world that normally would remain extremely private. But I have been given this talent for a reason. The follow is an excerpt from one of the chapters of my new book and my first podcast is attatched at the bottom. Please read, listen, share, and give your feedback.

I was 17, a junior in high school and Derek was 19, just finishing his first year of college and I was pregnant with his baby. Derek dropped to the floor and started to cry. In stunned silence I held him and then, through my own tears, told him he was going to be OK. When he was able to move, he made his way to his bedroom and called his friend, leaving me on that blue bathroom floor.

When I finally thought I was able to move, I found I didn’t. I couldn’t. Fear has immobilized me. I guess somewhere I felt that if I didn’t move, stayed frozen in time, I wouldn’t have to face this. Everyone could just work around me as I sat on that bathroom floor and use me as a toothbrush holder or something. That way I wouldn’t have to deal with the reality of it all, or tell my parents, or think about it. Of course, I knew at some point, I would have to move. The sad part was, I had nowhere to go. No one to tell. After Derek had hung up the phone, he felt better. Not good, but better. I wondered what that felt like, to feel better. I could not remember the last time I felt better. For as long as I could remember I always had to deal with adult problems. And this adult problem would be no different. I would have to deal with it whether I liked it or not. I did eventually get up, put one foot in front of the other, and left.

Derek stayed home in his comfortable room, where football posters hung from the walls with the smell of  pot roast being cooked by a “normal” mother in a clean kitchen down the hall. As for me, I went to the place I called home. A place where the smoke hung so heavy in the air that the thickness of it stuck to my nose and throat. I felt the filth and grime as I walked across the old carpet in the livingroom housing parasites, stains of  food and years of spilt drinks. I headed towards the kitchen to see piles of dirty dishes in the sink, used pots and pans still on the stove, and the disgusting pyramid of trash climbing the wall from the trash can, begging to be changed. Through the smoke in the living room, I heard a cough and saw that familiar faint orange glow…one of my parents buried beneath the fog of their life long obsession.

I made my way to my bedroom, easily unnoticed. I laid on my bed, the top half of the bunk I shared with my little sister, in that pit of a house, with that tiny little secret nestled in the deep dark corners of my womb. Staring at the paint peeling from the ceiling and the cracks in the walls, I thought of all the ways I could mess up a kid’s life. What had I done? How could this be happening to me? Derek and I had gone through so much together between that moment and this one. The moment where I am with someone else and not him. How did I get to this moment right now with Jake? 

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Full Circle…

Tonight I am revisiting my old friend, the blog. For the past few months I have been opening up my google drive, typing away my most intimate private parts of my life for the entire world to see. And I do mean the entire world, to date my weekly series has visited 48 countries. Since I began the series I had a plan. A plan and a timeline. By my calculations, I should still be waking up daily to head to my office and stand in as an oral surgery tech, come home, and write. But my series won over the attention of a publishing company, Sunny Day, and I was able to quit my job and write full-time. I am now taking my series and turning it into a book. Like I said by my calculations I should still be a working stiff, but I have never been good at math.

Tonight I am grateful to be home. On my deck. Writing this blog. While I see the day slipping away and the evening set in, I am listening to natures night life begin to awaken and start their “day”.  I am happy to have opened this page on WordPress and spill my thoughts all over my laptop. It has been a while since I have shared my thoughts with my readers and tonight as I find my self removed from my old life and settling into my new one, I figured tonight was a good night to begin blogging again.

The past few weeks have been nothing shy of a whirl wind for me. Leaving my job was bitter-sweet. I guess I didn’t realize that my job was so much more than a job for me. I have been going to the same place, day in and day out for over two years and I got attached to everyone I worked with. They went from total strangers, to a different kind of family. A family who accepted me and my weirdness, questioned my life choices and helped me when I was down. I miss them. I miss my job. I miss my patients. But they also knew it was time for me to break away and head in a new direction. It was time for me to finally be who I was meant to be. A writer.

Getting a book deal, for me anyway, is nothing like the movies.  I don’t have a deadline or a check for $10,000,000 in my hands. I have weeks. Weeks to wait patiently before I get my edits back to see how my book is progressing.  I have time. Time to think about each and every word that I have written and each one I will write. All day long in my head I write and rewrite future chapters. I read everything I have written to see what the heck they saw in me in the first place.   And I think. I think about everything I had gone through to get to tonight. To this deck attached to this house. To this life, that I love. I think about the pain, tears, and even blood that lead me to this life. I would not change any of it for even a second. In order to live this life, I had to live another one before. A life that was hard but also not unfamiliar to many people. I was given this life because I am strong enough to live and now I am strong enough to write about it.

I will keep blogging about my book writing journey. I will keep you all updated. In the meantime, read my series again. Listen to my podcast ‘link below’ and follow me on yet another journey of self discovery.

 

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“Let’s Get Wicked Deep” A Podcast with Kelly Smith…Episode 1 “And Introducing”…

Click on the link to hear my very first podcast show. Bear with me as I am still working out the kinks. Soon to be released on iTunes and Google Play.  If you or someone you know is or has been in a narcissistic relationship and you are interested in being a guest on my show, please email me at~ letsgetwickeddeep@yahoo.com

 

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Kelly Smith~ Sign in the Rear View Mirror~ UPDATE

I want to thank everyone who has been reading, sharing, posting, and most of all supporting me on this journey to create awareness of Narcissism, and everything that comes with it, in relationships. As you know I have been writing each week about my personal experiences within my own relationship. I have received so many calls, texts, messages, and emails of support, questions, concerns and Ah~Ha moments in some of your lives. I write to help. So it is sad for me to let you all know the series will NOT continue for me. I have hung up my weekly blog “Signs in the Rear View Mirror” for good. But I am happy to announce that I have signed a book deal with Sunny Day Publishing to put my experance into a book. Whoot!!! While I write my book, I will continue to blog just not about my relationship. I have also created a PodCast ” Lets Get Wicked Deep with Kelly Smith” that will soon be launching. On my show I will have recovering Narcissists, empaths, and friends and family from both side. It is my goal to continue to expose this personality disorder and all that it entails.

So stay tuned for not only my book but my PodCast as well. If you or anyone you know would like to be a guest on my show, please send me a message at letsgetwickeddeep@yahoo.com.  Please follow my blog and my social media sites for updates on my progress and be sure to download and listen to my new PodCast!!!!

Facebook~ Kelly Marie Smith/fan page

Twitter~ Kellye95

Instagram~ Thoughtsbecomingwords

 

Thank you all again for so much of your support!!!!IMG_1005

Kelly Smith~Signs in the Rear View Mirror~ Season 2 Opener…Ghost of Christmas Past…

Freedom. According to Merriam-Webster, freedom is defined as the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action. It comes in many forms and means something different to all of us. Lately, I have been living vicariously through my second oldest Godson Zackary. Zack is 23 and he is an amazing young man. I don’t mean amazing in a way that only a Godmother would see her Godson but rather, he is amazing in spirit.  He is honest, reliable and incredibly free spirited. He is secure enough with himself to grow his hair out, take crap for it and never think twice of someone else’s opinion of him. He lives the life he wants to live and is only concerned with what he and the good Lord think of his decisions.

Like all kids, they rely heavily on us for support. Whether it be food, transportation, finances or to simply cheer them on from the sideline and be there to lift them up after a major loss, we are there every step of the way.  As we watch them grow, we are proud of the choices they make and who they are becoming. But at some point, we become less and less of a priority to them and we end up observing their lives after they have moved out on their own. Through the sometimes blurry windows of social media, there are glimpses into their daily lives, friendships and careers. They come home when they can and even occasionally take a call or return a text. For the most part, they are on the forefront of our minds and we are in their back pockets as sort of a safety net when they need us. It is nothing personal, but it is part of the growing pains we feel as a parent (Godparent in this case).We love our kids from a distance and watch the wings we have given them begin to expand.

This past Christmas, instead of watching Zack’s typical life adventures that take him snowboarding, cliff jumping or hopping in his car to go where the wind takes him, he let me know he was coming home for a few days. Zack sneaks in and out as to not upset or disturb the lives of the people he can’t see. This year, I was lucky enough to not only get a text back and a call, but I was able to come face to face with the elusive boy turned man that I am grateful to call family.

Five years have passed since our divorce and like every Christmas Eve, Derek has the kids until 10pm. He brings them to my house and they boys and I are able to wake up and spend Christmas Day together.  I was getting ready to go to a friend’s house for a group Christmas Eve dinner when my phone buzzed. I looked down. Zack was on his way! We texted back and forth a few times until his face was finally at my front door. He rang the bell and walked in. Zack standing 5’11 with this dark brown hair grown out to his shoulders, was wearing a giant smile on his face and peaking through his lips were his shiny white teeth. I rushed over and threw my arms around him, squeezing him tightly. Zack, who is not much of a hugger knew the drill… I will not release him from the hug until l get both arms around me. He did what he knew had to and he hugged me back. We made small talk about life and the amazing journey he was on, places he had been visiting and about his love life. We sat outside on the back deck, he took pictures of the water and took in the view, I texted my son, Todd, to let him know Zack was at the house and invited him to come by to see him. As we chatted, laughed, and talked about his future plans, a flash of light bounced off the stone pillars on the deck. I looked behind me and thought I saw a headlight and figured it was my son. Todd and Zack got along pretty well and it was always great when they could get together. As my own kids grew, one ran off to college to play lacrosse in Missouri and the other one went off to school but stayed in Texas and my Godsons, all four of them followed suit. Three took off to play college football in different states and the youngest headed off to serve his mission for two years in Argentina. So, with all the boys scattered, it was a blessing to see all of them together again when possible. It wasn’t a surprise to see that Todd rushed over to see Zach, even if only for a few minutes. A minute or two passed and when Todd didn’t come barreling through the door, I figured it was the neighbors headlight I saw.  Zack and I continued our conversation. After a few more minutes, Zack looked up and said “I think someone’s here”.

Weird, I thought. Maybe it was Todd and he was finishing up a call? I was startled when I heard a knock at the door. I looked at Zack and without reason, my heart sank. I looked at the door and through the frosted glass opening, I could a face looking inside. We made our way into the house and towards the door.  Zack followed close behind me and I began to make out the figure. Derek? I thought to myself.

“Why is Mr. Stevenson here”?  Zack said with slight excitement.

“No idea”. I said.

I thought to myself he must be bringing Joseph, our youngest son, now 15, over early for Christmas Eve, but had no idea why he would do that. As I got closer to the door, I was now convinced it was Derek and I was excited for him to see Zack. As we approached the door we laughed and thought it was a great coincidence that he came by while Zack was visiting. As I opened the door and peeked my head out just a little, my heart, my jaw and my stomach hit the floor. My mouth dried up, chest grew tight and I anxiously locked eyes with Zack. Seconds later, Jake pushed the door open and walked in…

 

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Kelly Smith~Signs in the Rear View Mirror. Intro to a Weekly Series…

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Why is it you can see things so clearly while looking in the rear view mirror? Why is it you can’t see what is going on in front of your face, but it is clear as day when looking back on it? I have no answer for you, but I have a lot of experience with this. I have been looking back on the past five years a lot lately. Those past years have been sitting heavily on my mind a lot lately. They have weighed me down. I have been trying to figure out why.

As I have been living my life, breezing through my days, I have seen signs. Number signs. I have been seeing the three digits that have reminded me of him a lot lately, 916. At first, I thought it was a coincidence, but then I began to see the sequence more and more. At…

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