0 To 100…..real quick…

Today while I was at work I realized how much I enjoyed looking over panos. I then realized how much I like my job. It is a lot of “on your feet” work, but its pretty cool. Yesterday I resurrected a short story I wrote a few years back. Since writing that piece, I have grown as a writer, so I had no idea what this piece actually looked like. I was hesitant to send it to my editor, but I did and she liked it. I am forced to read it again and make some changes. Glossing over it I noticed some “winks” placed in the middle of the story. Winks are a private joke between people and placed in someones writing. I am nervous to read it because I was still married when I wrote it andI have no idea what I was going through at that time in my life. I am sort of afraid to discover things about me I just do not want to know.

Any who..seeing these winks, made me think of “Jake” the guy I was most recently engaged to. Before he came into my life I was figuring out who I was, at a snails pace, but I was doing it. Now I am 2 broken hearts into this life and I am ready to press the fast forward button to self discovery. I love to write, and I am fairly good at it. I am funny..only a very select few know I did stand up at open mic night here in Austin. I am a great mom, huge supporter of the ones I love, and in general a great person. I have worked through a few things I needed to work on and I know I am a work in progress. So it is time for me to embrace Kelly and love her unconditionally instead of a man who quite frankly never deserved me.

So I am going to fix up my short story and I am going to submit it like crazy. Then I am going to write 100 more and do the same. It is who I am and I love that about me. At this point there is no one and nothing that can stop me from living my best version on me. No one can hurt me and no one can change me ever again. I am a bad ass and it is time to prove it to myself….0 to 100 real quick…..

Middle of my king size bed….

We can lose someone we love at any given time. A spouse, child, friend, parent, someone we love so much and has been a part of our lives for a long time. For me I lost someone I loved and planned to spend my life with, twice. Both times after the loss, I fell apart. I could not function. I felt as if I needed him to be with me. As if I were not a whole person unless I had him. But after some deep soul searching, I begin to slowly realize that I need to be ok on my own before I can meet someone to share my life with. I need to be at a point in my life where if someone I love walks out, I will not fall apart. I will learn and grow from this sort of loss. Of course I’m sure I will be sad, but it will not break me because I will be OK with who I am and I will know I can stand on my own.

Lately the sight of couples laying in bed on TV turns my stomach. Seeing people hold hands makes me appreciate my freedom. Right now I see couples and all I see is smiles in public and yelling, cheating, abuse, and suffering going on behind closed doors. So clearly I am not ready for someone to be that close to me in my life.  I am not yet willing to clean out space in my closet, sleep on one side of the bed, or explain myself to anyone where I have been except my Schnauzer who has all the right in the world to know when I will be home.

As of now I am not there yet. I have been meeting people and letting them go because I know I am not ready. I know God has a plan for me. I have to learn to accept his plan and be patient. I know he is out there getting ready for me, just as I am getting ready for him, and when we get together it will feel right.

Emotions…ugh..

So you know how it is, as you live your life and try to figure out who you are, you sometimes stumble upon someone who steals your heart. You meet, see sparks, and BOOM! Its over. From there you forget that you were once an individual and had your own life. Everything is thrown in the cake batter mixture of your newly found relationship. Clothes hangers get mixed up, his sheets, your sheets, his furniture, mostly yours, dishes are thrown in, holiday ornaments are hung near each other and its all so exciting. Cute. Lovely. It’s mostly done with love and a bit of arguing. But at the end of the day when you fall asleep together, his arm around you, your head in the nook of his arm, there is nothing like it.  You settle into each other, your breath is matched in harmony and drift off to sleep feeling as if  you have found your other half. The half that makes you whole.

You forget that you love to run trials on Sunday mornings, because he likes the local brunch around the corner. He forgets his yearly boys trip because of the face you give him while he’s packing. Not much is yours and not much is his anymore. Its mixed together and its baking at 350 for 45 minutes….Until it burns. Until it goes wrong. Until its over. Until you are now living alone with that one token hanger in your closet, the one that once held the shirt you bought him for his birthday, is slowly rocking back and forth, empty like your soul. You feel as if your limb has been removed. You no longer feel whole.  You are alone. You miss him and cry while you are in the tub with bubbles and a bottle of wine.

You feel as if you can’t go on with out him. But you can. You will. I did. I made it through the darkness and have come out on the other side.

But tonight, I feel sad. I hate to admit it, but right now I miss him. Those memories are the worst of parasites. They latch onto your brain and they won’t let go. They hold on tight. They seep in and begin to live their own lives right there in your brain. I have tried to evict them, to release them, but to no avail, they manage to creep back in and play our best memories of “us” as if they are on auto play.

From what I understand this is all normal and the memories will soon subside and I will free of them forever. Until then I will take out the good memories every now and then and enjoy them for a while. I will put them back when I am done and I will move on. Life goes on. Change is hard. It can be so difficult at times. He moves on and it stings like a muther…You want him happy but you also want his face in the dirt. Oh emotions can suck…

Clowns…

Ahhhh life, you sneaky little bitch. Most of my adult life I have felt as if I were living in a carnival. I walk around as if I just got off of the Tilt a Whirl, bumping into experiences both wanted and unwanted. My stomach dropping from the Pirate Ship, with the way it goes super far back to super far forward. Everywhere I look ,I see clowns of different shapes, sizes, and worst of all disguised as friends. Games and buzzers being played by everyone and the prizes turn out to be of the boobie sort. But unlike the carnival, in real life, the rides we get on and off are not timed, the clowns don’t  have giant red noses and there are no oversized stuffed animals signaling a game is being played. Its up to us to figure out not only when to get off the ride, stop playing games and learning to run from those clowns, but to get out of the park all together. The thing I have been learning a lot about lately is free will.  Knowing that you can walk away when ever you want. You don’t have to wait until its too late, the park is closed and you can’t get home.

I know when things go bad we love to blame God. When things go right we love to tell everyone how we did it on our own. But when we are praying and believing in God we tend to ask him for impossible things. And when we don’t get what we want or we do something we don’t want to do, we point our fingers to the big guy. Recently I realized I have been doing this. When I would make a call I know I should not make, or answer the ringing phone, or open the door when I know I should not, I tend to yell at God and throw the blame at Him. But its not Him. He has shown me what I need to see over and over and over again. If I am still making the call or opening the door, its because of free will.

Free will can bind you or set you free. No one is holding you hostage in anything. Not a job. Not a relationship. Not anything. Yeah I know at times it seems hard to let go or walk a way or quit, but it may be harder or more harmful to stay where you don’t belong. I promise life goes on and gets better. I am trying all of that now. I have slip ups and I am OK with it. I have a lot of figuring out to do, but while I straighten out my mind, I will see my friends and workout and UGH those sutures…It will work out the way it should and the best news is when it all comes together, I will have the nicest quads in all 3 counties…what ever that means.

Not that kind of girl….

I will never be that girl. You know the girl in the bar wearing the short shorts, high heels, low-cut top and a face full of make up. The one guys are most attracted to while they are drinking. The ones they can take to bed, but not home to mom. I will never be the most desired girl in a bar. I am not the girl men stare at and send a drink to in hopes of taking me home. I am just not her, I never have been and I never will be.

It has taken me years to come to terms with this. It all became clear to me last weekend. Last weekend I went out. I met up with some friends to a grand finale of a local restaurant. I had on a sundress, minimal makeup and flat shoes. But I also had on my beautiful face, glowing personality, my independence was on point, brains safe in my head and all my accomplishments close by. But I realized, at a bar, while the drinks are flowing, and the bare skin is showing, my independence is covered up deep in the dark shadows of the heavy perfume, sparkle body lotion and giant hoop earrings. No one can see it. No one can see who I am. And then it hit me…this is not a place I will ever meet anyone worth a lick. And that’s OK. I am not a glam girl and that’s OK. I am not desirable in that setting and that’s OK. There is nothing wrong with the women some men are attracted to in that setting. Nothing at all. It is just not he place for me to meet someone. I have learned a lot about myself in the past 13 months. I have learned not everyone is for me. I have learned if you burn me once, I am walking away. I have learned if I need to chase a guy, he’s not for me. But the most important thing I have learned is that there is nothing wrong with me.

I am happy to sit back, watch some shows, hang out with my friends, learn how to hook up my suture, and enjoy life. I am still discovering who I am and I am discovering I still need to get over “this guy”. It is OK for me to enjoy the time between not anymore and not yet. When a guy comes along, I will be ready and he will be as well….

On another note, my training is going so well. Eating is awesome and I am lifting heavy..OMG I love it!! I am falling in love more and more with myself….