I woke up this morning after enjoying an entire bottle of red alone last night. Fortunately, I hardly ever have a hang over so I was good to go. Aside from regretting a few texts and calls I made last night, I was OK until I walked downstairs. Normally I let my pup out first thing. She is no longer here with me. We lost her on Friday and I have been struggling ever since. I have been a mess. For the first time in a long while, I have been feeling lonely. My pup loved me without conditions. Thinking back to the days I messed up at work, burned dinner, got a speeding ticket, gained 50 lbs, lost 50 lbs, she, without fail, sat next to me on the couch. Her head in my lap, she felt loved and I felt loved back. I knew that no matter what she would be there for me. Without making a promise. Without saying a word, she would stick by me until she could no longer be here. I repaid the favor by holding her as she slipped away. She died in my arms. Safe. Close, to the person she loved and trusted the most, because I never gave her a reason not to.
I have been thinking a lot about love, relationships and the such. I want a person in my life that is much like her. Accepting of who I am. Trusting I will never do anything to put them in harm’s way. Me, trusting that on my worst days, he will just hold me. Fat, lean and everything in between, I just want to be accepted. I no longer want to run when things get difficult. I no longer want to put someone down regardless of what was said or done. And I want to take comfort in the fact that if things are no longer serving me, I can walk away without guilt. I am not yet ready for a “partner”. I am not ready to make anyone dinner. I am not ready to iron clothes. But I am becoming more and more ready to feel those things. I know that when the time is right, we will hold each other when the days get shorter and the nights get colder. That is all I want. I just want to be me and be accepted.
I have no doubt in my mind that I will find that person. Right now he is doing all he can do to find me and I am doing the same.
I love you Monster. I will think of daily and I will remember the way your love comforted me when I needed it the most and thank you for coming into my life! You were loved by all of us!!