Changes per usual…

I woke up this morning after enjoying an entire bottle of red alone last night. Fortunately, I hardly ever have a hang over so I was good to go. Aside from regretting a few texts and calls I made last night, I was OK until I walked downstairs. Normally I let my pup out first thing. She is no longer here with me. We lost her on Friday and I have been struggling ever since. I have been a mess. For the first time in a long while, I have been feeling lonely. My pup loved me without conditions. Thinking back to the days I messed up at work, burned dinner, got a speeding ticket, gained 50 lbs, lost 50 lbs, she, without fail, sat next to me on the couch. Her head in my lap, she felt loved and I felt loved back. I knew that no matter what she would be there for me. Without making a promise. Without saying a word, she would stick by me until she could no longer be here. I repaid the favor by holding her as she slipped away. She died in my arms. Safe. Close, to the person she loved and trusted the most, because I never gave her a reason not to.

I have been thinking a lot about love, relationships and the such. I want a person in my life that is much like her. Accepting of who I am. Trusting I will never do anything to put them in harm’s way. Me, trusting that on my worst days, he will just hold me. Fat, lean and everything in between, I just want to be accepted. I no longer want to run when things get difficult. I no longer want to put someone down regardless of what was said or done. And I want to take comfort in the fact that if things are no longer serving me, I can walk away without guilt. I am not yet ready for a “partner”. I am not ready to make anyone dinner. I am not ready to iron clothes. But I am becoming more and more ready to feel those things. I know that when the time is right, we will hold each other when the days get shorter and the nights get colder. That is all I want. I just want to be me and be accepted. IMG_1361

I have no doubt in my mind that I will find that person. Right now he is doing all he can do to find me and I am doing the same.

I love you Monster. I will think of daily and I will remember the way your love comforted me when I needed it the most and thank you for coming into my life! You were loved by all of us!!

Shock and Awe…

Sometimes you forget how strong you are. Sometimes you can’t remember the pain you have been through. Sometimes you need to be reminded of who you are and what you can get through….

About 13 years or so ago I had just had my youngest son. 2 days later was 9/11. At the time my brother-in-law was still in the Marines and my sister had just gotten out. I remember when the call came in to tell me and my then husband that my brother-in-law was being deployed and my sister wanted to see if she could live with us. Soon after that call, Johnny was gone and my sister waIMG_0615s living in our guest room.

I can remember the anticipation of “shock and awe” like it was yesterday. Shepard Smith was consistently on the tv in her room and she refused to get out of bed for fear of missing the “action”. I stood in her room next to her as shock and awe began and I witnessed her fall apart at the exact same time. She had no idea where Johnny was. At the time of his deployment he was part of the Marines that were the first to touch down, so there were no phones, or emails or any sort of way to contact him or vice versa. So she sat in bed, worried and wondering if he was OK.

A few days later I peeled her out of bed and forced her into the shower. I picked up my broken sister and turned into her mother for a few days. Cleaned her up, made her eat and got her out of the house. After a while she stabilized. She started to act like herself again. Both good and bad because she is after my sister and all sisters are pains in the butt. We laughed, we fought, we cried, we shopped. We were us. She took care of the kids and did every single pick up and drop off of the kids with me. We made some solid memories that we still crack up over ever today. We have funny jokes that no one knows except us…Nick with the red hair, Sylvester, the christmas shopping scare, I have more of a comment than a question for the guy with the gray fur, the red bathrobe….just to name a few..

One night the phone rang at 2 am…it was Johnny. The first of only 2 calls he made for the year he was there. Both scary and a relief to hear his voice.He was unable to say much more than he was OK. And that was enough.

As the weeks turned in months, having my sister around was normal. It was comfortable. It was the way I liked it. But then another call came in. Johnny was coming home and she was leaving to go back to Cali to get an apartment ready for them to continue their lives and she was leaving. My sister was leaving. Although I was happy he was safe and headed back to the states, I was losing my very best friend. I had no idea how much pain I was about to experience.

The day I had to drop her off at the airport, was to this day, one of the hardest things I ever had to do, and I have been through some stuff. I remember trying to be the big sister and be strong. I hugged her as tightly as I could and I did the unthinkable….I let her go. I watched her go up the stairs to get to her gate. From the first floor I watched her walk until I could not see her anymore. I though I would make it to the car without losing it, but I was wrong. I lost it right then and there.

The point I am trying to make with writing this, as I ball my eyes out, is that I forgot I was able to get though letting my sister go. A husband is a husband until he is no longer a husband. A boyfriend is a boyfriend until he is no longer a boyfriend. But a sister..no you don’t mess with a sister. If letting a sister go does not put you 6 ft under…then nothing will.

Never forget where you came from. Never forget the things you have been though. Never forget what makes you strong. For me it was letting my sister go, for my sister, it was sticking by my brother-in-law. What ever you are going through now, will get better.

My sister is one of the best things my parents ever did. I thank God for her each day. I have no idea if you read these things I write Amy, but if you are reading this, thank you for being in my life and I love you so much. I may have had to let her go, but I will never lose her…

I just can’t….

imageToday is Sunday. The stupidest day of the week. It’s rest day. It’s cheat day. It’s also time freezes day. The day of the week that nothing is going on so you sit around in sweats, a t shirt, and think about everything going on in your life. I hate today. I’m just going to put it out there that I am struggling with some stuff right now. I can’t seem to get my head out of my ass and get back in shape. I mean really..I work 2 days a week. I was cleared to get back in the track. I have the means to look like a superstar but instead I find myself doing nothing. I can’t cook but I have access to a chef if I need one or I can go get premade food and just get it done. But I don’t. WTF is going on with me? I have been working my ass off to get my insides fixed. I feel good about a lot of it, but I feel as if I need a supporter with me in order to get back to my “lifestyle”. I hate that about me. I really do.

Lately I have had a few people turn to me for help in their relationships. I don’t mind listening. I don’t mind giving advice. I don’t mind any of it. But it can be overwhelming at times. And it can wear on me. I wish I were stronger, smarter, and that I had a fast forward button to see what this time next year looks like. I can’t guess as to where I will be. I have no clue. I just hope I’m happy. So I will work in that and see where it gets me.

I just want to be more than what I am tonight.

Obligation…Ugh…

” I love my obligation to you”…….said no one ever.

What exactly is an obligation? In layman’s terms” its doing something you really don’t want to do until you can get out of doing said thing”.

We have all been there. Helping a friend move. Picking up or dropping off at the airport. Taking mom to the store. But then there are the bigger obligations we have. Our jobs. Families. Dogs. And at times we get jammed up and the obligations become too big for us to figure out on our own. The obligations that are too heavy to carry alone, surround us and we get further and further away from knowing how to get out of them while still feeling OK with ourselves and that we made the right decision, and that can be scary. Not all of us have been there, but I have. It is no fun. It is no way to live.

Thinking back on my life so many triggers come up. The biggest one of all is staying with someone because I felt I had to. Maybe it was because I was young. Maybe it was because I was codependent. Maybe it was because I had a baby with him. Maybe it was all 3. It was all 3. Was I ever in love or was I in “obligation”? Did it start out as love and when it turned into something else did I stay because I ” had” to? I could say yes, but again I was so young I actually have no idea.

I was married for 18 years or so..I can’t tell you how many times throughout those years I thought about ending my marriage. It was not a bad marriage. There was no abuse. He came home every night. He never cheated. We had a good life life together. But something was missing. I could see myself living with him until we were old, because I could not see myself alone before I met someone new. It was not because we were in love and shared passion for each other. Yeah passion..you know the thing you start out with and eventually lose with your partner?? Well you are not suppose to lose that…if you lose that, maybe you are not with the right person. Of course you need to love your self and have passion for yourself, but being with someone who truly loves you is worth waiting for. It is worth holding out for. Its worth working towards getting back.

When I finally got out of my obligation, it was hard. It was not easy. But it was worth it. I was able to move on and for the first time in my life I was able to feel love and feel happiness the way I thought it should have felt all along. Yeah making that decision was one heck of a decision. I do have regrets..I have 1..I regret not doing it sooner. Thats it. Today I know what I am looking for. Today I feel good.

Being with someone or in a situation out of obligation, is no way to live. There are ways out of it, but only if you want to get out of it. Maybe you don’t know yet if that is what you want. Maybe being comfortable is easier for you than the work it will take to get out of your relationship. This is all up to you. This is all up to how you choose to live.

Maybe you are in a relationship right now that is “good”. You may have no reason to leave, but for whatever reason, it is not enough. You may be thinking about your ex. You may be starting to talk to another person. You may just want time alone.  Maybe things have changed in your relationship and it is no longer for you, not because you don’t care, but because its different and it is not what you signed up for. For any reason, you do not have to stay with someone out of obligation. That is OK if you do. Stay or go it is your decision. There is nothing wrong with staying in an OK relationship where some of your needs are met. But then again is that what you want?  Do you want to have just some of your needs to be met??

I will leave you with this..You are not doing anyone any favors by staying with him/her out of obligation. Someone out there will love you better than you have ever been loved and you are missing out on that person and that life with each day that passes..set yourself and him/her free before life passes you by and it becomes too late for you to be where you want to be….time stands still for on one…..

Stable….

If you are outside my window right now what would you see if you looked in?? Well, I will tell you. You will see me….happy. I may be watching Netflix on the couch, or maybe me on the phone laughing without a worry in the world, because I don’t have a lot of worries these days. Laughing is something I have been doing more and more lately. I have come to a point in my life where I feel stable. I am standing on a solid foundation and I am strong. I have worked so hard to get where I am today. I have been ripped open and put back together. I have cried so much it is hard for me to believe I have any tears left to cry at all. Things in my life are good. I have so much positive going for me and I am not afraid of the future like I once was.

I have loved so hard and I have fallen even harder. I have had what feels like a busted up face from how hard I have fallen. But I got up. I got up slowly, but I did and I am better than ever for it. I feel a calm, a peace come over me and I know I will be OK.

I see myself happy either with someone adding to my happiness or on my own waiting for the right person that will compliment me and my lifestyle. I am ok waiting to see who God puts in my life. I know when the time is right everything will come together. I will no longer have hope for a relationship that no longer serves me. A relationship that hurt more than felt good. A relationship that has left me empty more often that not. I am no longer allowing myself to feel less than I am worth.

I have a message for you sir, if you happen to be reading this….I am happy without you. Let that sink in…I am happy without you and I will be just fine. It is time for me to show my worth and it starts with that message.

Tonight…

Tonight I am broken. Destroyed. Torn apart. Tonight I am upset and I have no idea where to direct my feelings. My body is sore from working out and from working all day. My feet are throbbing and I do not want to move. I have all of this going on, mental anguish, physical pain, and emotionally I am Niagara Falls. I have no idea who I can trust anymore. I have no clue what to believe. Functioning as a human on a daily basis, I question everything. Someone tells me what day it is, I consult the calendar. Someone tells me to have a good day and I want to know what they know and why I should have a good day. Clearly I have been burned. I also have been taught that in order to fix my mistrust of the calendar, I have to repair what someone broke, myself.

I am stronger today then I was yesterday and stronger than I was 1 year ago. I have learned it is OK to have every feeling in the world all at once and manage it at the same time. It is not easy, but it is also not impossible. I am loving me more and more and its becoming easier with each day that passes to see how fun I can be. To see there is nothing wrong with me, I mean its not like I am a Yankee fan 🙂 I will be ok because I said I will be OK and I will work at it each day. I have opened up more of my personality at work. I have been enjoying my job more and more. I love having something where to go each day. I feel needed and it feels good to be needed by people rather than just one guy who can do without me.

Life changes every day, every hour, minute, second. God has a plan. Yes its so totally rude that He keeps it to himself, like I do not like surprises…:) But its His plan and I have to let Him teach me acceptance, and patience. So here I go, letting go and letting someone else take the reins for a bit…Ahhhhhhhhhh….

Back in the day….

I used to think I knew it all. I knew everything from my house on the hill, closet full of jeans and shoes, fast cars, trips, and a life full of judgements. Today I am humbled. I am a new person. I have grown and traded in the money and jewels for solid friends and pure happiness. But change is still hard. Feeling is hard. Acceptance is the hardest of all. I don’t feel like accepting I have to let go of people and of some things. I don’t want things to change and I want it all my way, all of time. But I realize I have to learn to not be pouty. I have to learn things are not always going to be my way and hat is OK. I have to learn patience. And I have been working hard at that.

Tonight I am emotional. I have a day to face tomorrow I have no interest in facing. I had no idea this day would ever be a part of my life and of who I am now am. Feelings are feelings no matter how small. Maybe I have no right to feel this way, but tell that to my head, stomach, and my heart….

American Exp vs Discover….

Changes are flowing. They heavily setting in and I feel their permanence against my skin, my soul, and my entire being. My blood pressure is stable. I no longer feel agony on a daily basis. I can think with my now clear mind. I am making choices to go to the quickie mart at 9 pm and get a bottle of water. I am free. I am happy. I am on my way and it feels so so good.

I have begun dating. YIKES! Just as quickly as I started, I stopped. There are a lot of wackos out there and I am not in the mood to feed drama, narcissism, or insecurities. I have realized I am  content being home, or seeing friends or working a ton. I am so not in any position to take care of a mans needs in any way, shape or form. I will say my relationship with “jake” has taught me so much. I can now spot  red flags and I am very proud to say I am running from those people. There is a freedom in that, that I can’t explain, but I do love that I have the ability to do so. I have the ability, self worth, self value, and love for myself which I have never really had.

I have been thinking a lot about my marriage and my ex hubs. We get along. He has found someone who adds to his own happiness. I never thought I was the type of person to be happy for him after a divorce, but here I sit, happy for him. I screwed up the marriage. I lost probably one of the best men I have ever come across. I did that. So I had to let him go, set him free, and let him be happy. Our marriage had to end. As much as it hurt, it had to end and he needed to be happy. Now it is time for to be happy and I am. I may not be attached to a guy, but on my own I am happy and when its my turn, someone who is ready will be here me and he will add to my happiness. My ex is a hard act to follow, so I can’t wait to see who I end up with.

I am an AMX. Difficult to get. Not everyone has one. Discover is a fly by night card that just about everyone has in their wallet. So what I am saying is you will have to be a pretty awesome person to get and keep my attention. I am not going to be with just anyone. I am not a Discover card….

What love isn’t…

Growing up all you hear about is, read about, see about is what love is. Its decorated with flowers, candy, kisses, hugs and being together forever. Its suppose to be “true” with handsome man who will love you no matter what. So lets take a look at “true love” for a moment.

Man x courts you, opens your door, pays for dinner, randomly shows up with flowers attached to a sweet note saying how much you mean to him. This leads to a relationship and then marriage. He is faithful, loyal, and he is all about you and no one else. You sit back and enjoy this attention and never worry about having a Valentines date ever again.

This is unrealistic. In real relationships you will fight. You will cry. You will laugh. You will make up. And you will stay together unless cheating and abuse goes on. You will work it out only if you BOTH want it to work out.

Lets look at what love ISNT….

Love isn’t lying. Cheating. Texting someone else. Bruises. Hands around your neck. Not coming home. Name calling. Manipulation. Stealing.  Just to name a few.

If you find yourself in a relationship with any of these, then you are in the wrong relationship. As hard as it is to walk away or let go, you must do it. You must save yourself. You are the most important person in your life and you have to act like it. You, no matter who you are, deserve better. If you are staying someone because they pay for your lifestyle, you are selling yourself short and its time to get your head out of your ass.

Life is meant to be lived, not suffered. You are not happy and you need to figure out why. Go to your parents house, siblings house. Change your number and get out. I promise you it is not worth it. No gifts, or words, or anything else is worth being in a relationship like this. This is only going on because YOU ALLOW IT.

I hope this helps….IMG_3637