the wind of change….is always hovering

Changes can be great. A new car. A new home. A new job. A new friend. A new love. A new burger on the menu at your favorite fast food joint. The scale moving in a positive direction whether you are trying to lean or to build. Change can be so good. Positive change is often disguised as pain, sadness, hurt, and tears. But sometimes change is devastating. No mater how hard you look you can’t find the happiness in this change.

You are feeling tired. Sick. Loss of appetite. You hold out for as long as you can. You figure being a mom or a dad or a boss or a college student is just catching up with you. Life is catching up with you.But then it gets to the point where it may be time to see the Dr. You see the dr. You walk in as yourself and you walk out changed. Changed in a way that you never expected. Changed in a way that will destroy all the lives around you.

You just never know when you may get news that things have changes in your body and there is no amount of meds that can cure you. Nothing you do will fix the damage that is already done. One month you are active and  the next month, you can’t breathe and you begin preparing for the worst. You start thinking of the guy you love and how you didn’t fight hard enough. That trip you planned but cancelled because you have the rest of your life to take it. You want to pick up that phone and tell your best friend, whom you have not talked to in years because of a stupid fight, that you miss her and you love her and you need her right now more than you need anyone else, but you can’t. Everything has changed. You find yourself lost, full of regret. Suddenly, you want to be that person, say those things, do those things you have put off because you thought you have forever to live. You don’t. I don’t.

I met someone today who thought she had forever. She found out her days are numbered. Heart breaking to hear her describe her sudden downfall. Planning her last days. I could hardly stand it. I walked away and I cried. And for what ever reason I thought of Oreo cookies. If my days were numbered, I would eat more of them. But my days and your days are numbered.

Eat the cookies. Tell the guy. Call the friend. Take the trip. Live. Live for those who can’t. Live for you. Live for your kids. Laugh. Smile. Celebrate that tomorrow is Wednesday and someone loves you. IMG_0792

Pencil sharpener….

I guess you can say I have been living and learning as I go. I move about the earth doing my thing. Working, training, eating, sleeping and hanging out a bit too much with the Soprano family. Unknowingly, I have been learning by osmosis. About a year ago the chatter in my head ended. The insults went away. The tears still ran down my cheeks but not everyday. I began to sleep through the night. Peacefully. Content. I was beginning to trust the darkness again. Life was getting into order for me and I had no idea. Overnight success, if you will.

I was his pencil. He sharpened me when he needed something from me. He wore me down until I was nothing but the eraser, and then he erased me from his life. He could not get anything more from me, so he threw me aside to get  a new one. I mean, I was a #2 pencil and he replaced me with that weird generic one no one ever wanted to use, the one with no number that was slightly off yellow. There is a reason they only let you use #2’s for tests…anyway that is neither here nor there.

My “point” is he no longer needed me and I was left confused as to why.  I did everything he ever wanted. Not perfectly, and I was reminded of that on a regular basis. I changed for him. I forgot who I was. I turned my life upside down for him and it was never enough. It would have never been enough. But the crazy thing is, this was all my own fault. I was not a prisioner. I was not chained to a wall. He did nothing wrong. He did it because he could get away with it. I taught him how to treat me. I taught him tha if he yelled at me, swore at me, or called me names, i was OK with it. I was OK with it because that is what I thought I deserved.  Because I did not love myself enough. I was confusing love with attachment and codependency. I actually have no idea what love looks like. I love my kids but as far as a romantic relationship goes, I have no idea how that is suppose to look. But I will be ready some day to find out.

Today, I have a plan. To live. To love. To breathe. To let go. To embrace the future.  I will be OK. I will be OK because I have fallen in love with me.  I have done enough damage to myself and It is time for me  to let go, forgive myself and smile. IMG_1484

the whole friggin gamut and then some…

IMG_0916I do not want to work tomorrow. I want ice cream and cereal. I want a bottle of what ever alcohol will get the job done. I want to run way. I want to stay in bed. I miss Tony Soprano. I just can’t. I have to. I am done.

The past 24 hours have emotional. Feelings from happiness and freedom all the way to sadness and grief. Reliving through other people my mistakes and making realizations of my own. Dealing and processing with my feelings. I hate feelings. I hate feeling things. I hate having to face them when I know some of them are difficult to even think about it. But I do it. This what I think of them…

FUCK feelings. Those fuckers show up like a drill sergeant at 3 am force feeding you to do shit you have no interest in doing. Some say oh you will feel better. WRONG! Feeling leads to more feelings. FUCK! It is positively never ending. And then relationships??? That fucker is the mothership of feelings. That bitch is the reason we have feelings in the first place.  FUCK feelings. Fuck them for now. For tonight. Forever? No, because they surface like herpes, and when you least expect it, they linger and then blister and begin to ruin your life until they disappear again to where they came from. And you wait. You wait because you know they will back and as much as you prepare you still have to feel them.

Fuck them.

Fin

I guess finding the right person is sort of like finding which soda you are. Which ice cream flavor you are. You don’t always fall in love with the first soda you try, but that does not mean you stop looking. If you try out Coke and think its gross, do you just give up? Do you keep trying it until you like it? No, you don’t force gross Dr Pepper down when you know its nasty. So what, you prefer diet coke to the other sodas, that does not mean you are wrong or the soda is bad, its just not for you. I am not a fan of chocolate ice cream or chocolate cake. I tried it a few times and it was just as nasty as the first time I tried it. I certainly do not waste my birthday cake on chocolate cake in hopes this is the year it works with my taste buds. No way will I waste my cake I get once a year on chocolate flavor. So why have I been wasting my time on someone who does not fit my palate?  Round peg, square hole.

I have decided to venture out of the country to volunteer at dental clinics. I am very much looking forward to doing this. To experiencing this. To help others and give so much of myself to people that both need it and deserve it. Some ask why am I doing this. Others think its great. For me I am a caretaker and a giver. There is nothing wrong with being a giver, as long as you are giving to the right people. There is nothing wrong with “Jake”, its that he is chocolate cake and I don’t like chocolate cake. Nothing wrong with me or with “Jake”. We just don’t fit together. I realize it may take me several hundred tries to find my “Diet Coke”, but I will find him when the time is right.

Right now I am not attached. Right now I can afford to go overseas. Right now I have the ability to help others. I won’t always have this time so I need to use it wisely. I need to find out who I am and who I am not. Who knows maybe in 18 years “Jake” and I will work it out, but for today I am thinking about me an my needs while I have the ability to do so, and there is nothing wrong with that.IMG_0433

At times it hits me. It gets into my head and sits there until I get it out. It may be a picture that sets it off or hearing something that sets it off. It has even come to me with smells. I can tell you exactly what it was that triggered my article seconds before I wrote them. On average when it hits me, it takes me about 10 minutes to write the entire thing. I often have thoughts swimming in my head until that are out, safe and sound on paper and in front of other peoples eyes. Tonight it happened with something I typed, and here it is:

That crappy boat ride that started out with, I am sure, a ton of complaints from me and my friend. But it turned out to be a fantastic memory I will keep long after most of my memories fade into darkness never to be though of again.  That summer, the summer before my life and her life changed forever, was the best summer of my life. I can safely say that because no one can ever replace my friend and the crazy things we did that year. That year we became more than friends, more than sisters.  We are connected. And no we didn’t kill anyone and bury the body. We are soul mates. I have heard that on average we all have 9 soul mates though out our lives. Some we love romantically, some are our family members., some come into our lives to make it better and then leave, but others stay and they stay forever.

No matter how far I go, how fat I get, how large or small my bank account may be, she accepts me and all my nonsense. She always has. She always will. I am lucky enough to have a very select group of friends. I would say I have a solid 3 that have been there for me and will always be there for me. But this friend is a bit different. Wild. Independent. Outrageous. Awesome.

I am sure she has no idea, but I am who I am today partly because of her. She didn’t help me to get out of my comfort zone, she kicked me out of it. She was not going to wait around for me to get a grip, so she handed it to me and pushed me out of the plane. On the way down she yelled ” you will thank me for this one day”. And she was right. So today is that day.

Stac, I love you. I want to thank you for showing me how beautiful I am. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for accepting me as I am, but helping me to see who I can be. You have always been real with me. Open. Honest. You never held anything back from me. You were just what I needed when I need it. With your huge heart, fantastic laugh and the way you IMG_4198and the C word have become so close, amazes me. We both started off as young parents. We had that together and it made us strong. We helped each other through that and so much more. I know you will always have my back, even if I am wrong, and I love that about you. Do me a favor, never change. The world would never be the same if you did.

What I would like to say is take that crappy boat ride. Stick dollar bills to your car dash with gum. Kiss a bunch of strangers. Spend endless nights at the beach. Kiss the same guy, and talk about how bad it was for years to come.  Do all of those things, but do it with someone ,who in 20 years, will look back on all of it with you  and love the memories  just as much as you do!! But most importantly, never let her go….

20 years and counting…..

September 13….that is today. 20 years ago today, my ex husband turned 21 and my dad died unexpectedly. Life is so different for me today. I never expected to be where I am. Love who I love. Miss who I miss. I don’t think of my dad all the time. But I do and at times I wonder what he would be like today. What I would be like today if I had a dad to turn to in my time of need. Would I be a different person? If I could talk to him now this is what I would say…..

” Hey dad…so much has happened in the past 20 years. The kids are doing great. Jack is off to school doing his thing and getting into typical college kid trouble. But the good news is David and I did a great job with that boy. Looking at him you would never know he was born to teen parents, to a couple of kids. The last time you saw him he was 9 months old and you we trying to decide what he should call you. We never did figure that out. Today he is a spitting image of Kenny. Its crazy. Harry is awesome. He is so cool. Badass. He can be a pain in the ass, but he was raised to be who he wants to be. He is free and easy and loves to have fun. He is so tall its crazy. But he is as handsome as all get out. He is your fishing buddy. He is the one you would have connected with the most. Although at times you were not such an awesome dad, you would have kicked ass as a grandfather. I hate that Harry missed out on you. He needed your realness. And the baby, Cain…yup wicked smart. Total nerd, but athletic. That boy is going places. It comes easy to him and has no idea why I hate math. I love that kid. He is 14 now. He is one to be so proud of. You would have nerded out with him and you would have had long talks of IMG_2565history together. I can see you now, sitting with your legs crossed, pointing your finger while talking history. Taking slight pauses while you collect your next thought, with him leaning over and listening intently to your words.  I enjoy my history discussions with him from time to time. You would have brought out even more of his intelligence.

You are missing out, but so are they. And that hurts all the time. I have gone 20 years without a dad, and I hardly remember what it is like to have one.  A far as I go, I sit here and I am ok. I think you would have been proud of who I turned out to be. I am strong, independent, fighter, and a bad decision maker. David and I are apart, but its better this way. I know how much you loved him and loved us together. You brought us together and we did what we were suppose to do. We made 3 awesome kids that make this world a better place, but we were not good together anymore. So thank you for my boys.

You are missed and loved. If you can, pop over to Rainbow Bridge and hug my lil Monster for me. Tell her I love her.

I love you dad.”

If only…

If only I were not in so much pain. I promise I am trying so hard to get through all of this. I put on the smile. I make the jokes. But at the end of the day it is just me, sitting alone, by choice. I am hold up in my house with my blonde hair afraid to let someone in. I am scared out of my mind. I feel I am better alone, on my own, busy building my walls around my heart one brick at a time. Some things I cant get past and not everyone understands that.

I met someone, sort of. Right away I felt something, and then it felt wrong, because it felt good. I went from ears perked up, to down straight away because I don’t want to feel pain again. I was burned. It was not his fault or my fault, it just happens. Pain. Endings. Sadness. They just happen and there is nothing we can do to prevent them from happening. Lately I have been fooling myself and telling myself if I am home alone no one can hurt me, but if I am home alone, no one can love me either. And I deserve to be loved and someone deserves the love I have to give, someone out there deserves me.

Hold your own. Know your name. And go your own way……..IMG_6138