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Healing. What does it mean to heal? I guess first you have to acknowledge you need to heal. I have been in denial for the past 18 months. I have lived my life as if it were 1 big lie. I was broken inside, and laughed on the outside. I got up everyday, because that is what you are suppose to do, and I went to work, or I called my friends, or mostly I watched Netflix alone n my huge empty house. I pretended I wasn’t broken. I faked my life for the past 2 years. Today I realized I need to heal. I need to look my past in the face, tell it to fuck off and then begin the process of healing. But what does that look like? I have no idea. I know it starts with no contact. But I have done/said that before, so what about this time is different? All of it. He said some words that triggered memories  had buried in my brain. Buried under algebra, image history, and how to draw a tree. Today I shook off the cobwebs, left the useless information I learned in school, pulled out the pain, dusted it off and opened it. It hurt but in a good way. I have to face this and face it alone. Alone meaning in an office with my therapist, or over phone with a friend coming clean with all my lies. I have to face the fact that its time. Its time to admit defeat, wave my white flag, dry my tears and get through it all. I will. I will get through it and I will be better, stronger, happier, freer. I deserve to got through this because I deserve the outcome on the other side. He deserves a life without me. And that is OK.