Waking up this morning, on the dreaded and most hated day of the week, I sat on my couch, flipped on the TV and sipped on my Spark. My version of coffee. As I leaned back into the couch deciding which of my recorded shows to watch, I looked around my house. Still. Silent. Clean. I thought back to the days Monday mornings were hectic, bust, noisy. The living room full of annoying sounds blaring from the TV, cereal boxes on the counter, dripped milk growing older by the second on the counter. All reminders I was a busy and annoyed mom of 3 boys. I no longer have to ask my youngest where his shoes are hiding. I no longer have to wake up my oldest 17 times finally ending with water all over his sleeping head. There is no more luring my middle guy out of the house with the promise of snacks. If I put my hand in between my couch cushions right now, I will not pull out a handful of gummy wrappers. Life today is so much different from just 5 years ago. I miss those days. Looking back they were the “free and easy” days of my life. I knew where they were at all times. I could call them upstairs with my voice, not my cell and have a conversation with them. Now to see them we FaceTime or text. They grow so fast. Faster than I would prefer, but back in the thick of the boys fighting, piles of dirty laundry, practice for 3 kids same day different places, bloody faces, dirty butts, Sponge Bob, missing everything, mismatched socks, fighting over the front seat, and overall trying to not raise a serial killer, I wished it would be over. Be careful of what you wish for. Those days are over.
Today I am living a life I never asked for. Well maybe I did in a sense, but I never imagined it to be like this. I am grateful and blessed everyday. I made the next right decision and I am here now. I have healthy kids, amazing friends, a job I love most of the time. But now I am dating. Just that word makes me sick. Dating involves other people. Talking to them. Opening up. Exposing yourself. YIKES!!!! Dating is nothing like it is on TV. Its not the whole OMG sweep you of your feet, men knocking down your door, or communication. Its confusing and some play games…games?? UGH…. But the biggest issue I have found with dating is feeling insecure. Lets face it, married, single, in a relationship, we all have insecurities. Maybe its a body image thing, maybe its a job situation. We all suffer with this at one time or another. For me I am facing some today. I feel huge. I work at it each day. I have goals. I am killing those goals. But I will never have the body of a 21 year old and that bothers me. I feel this is what men want. I know I am wrong, but this is what I am dealing with. But, if i go out in this world and talk about this to the person I am on a date with, that is so not attractive. Blogging about it may not be the best idea but what the heck right? So what I do is suck it up and live. I talk to my friends about it, I write about it, I work on it. I life heavy and I sprint hard, sorry coach…I eat as clean as I can as often as I can and I crush it. I set goals and I am proactive about my insecurities. We all have them and for the most part we can do something about them. I have so much to offer a lucky guy someday. I am more than a body and I have so much under the surface. I look at my best qualities, and I have so many good ones. I can’t let a few insecurities hold me back from living and living well. So if you are feeling the same, lets do something about it. It took me long recovery process to get here, but it was so worth it.