Dating, Insecurities, Sponge Bob, Snack Wrappers..

Waking up this morning, on the dreaded and most hated day of the week, I sat on my couch, flipped on the TV and sipped on my Spark. My version of coffee. As I leaned back into the couch deciding which of my recorded shows to watch, I looked around my house. Still. Silent. Clean. I thought back to the days Monday mornings were hectic, bust, noisy. The living room full of annoying sounds blaring from the TV, cereal boxes on the counter, dripped milk growing older by the second on the counter. All reminders I was a busy and annoyed mom of 3 boys. I no longer have to ask my youngest where his shoes are hiding. I no longer have to wake up my oldest 17 times finally ending with water all over his sleeping head. There is no more luring my middle guy out of the house with the promise of snacks. If I put my hand in between my couch cushions right now, I will not pull out a handful of gummy wrappers. Life today is so much different from just 5 years ago. I miss those days. Looking back they were the “free and easy” days of my life. I knew where they were at all times. I could call them upstairs with my voice, not my cell and have a conversation with them. Now to see them we FaceTime or text. They grow so fast. Faster than I would prefer, but back in the thick of the boys fighting, piles of dirty laundry, practice for 3 kids same day different places, bloody faces, dirty butts, Sponge Bob, missing everything, mismatched socks, fighting over the front seat, and overall trying to not raise a serial killer,  I wished it would be over. Be careful of what you wish for. Those days are over.

Today I am living a life I never asked for. Well maybe I did in a sense, but I never imagined it to be like this. I am grateful and blessed everyday. I made the next right decision and I am  here now. I have healthy kids, amazing friends, a job I love most of the time. But now I am dating. Just that word makes me sick. Dating involves other people. Talking to them. Opening up. Exposing yourself. YIKES!!!! Dating is nothing like it is on TV. Its not the whole OMG sweep you of your feet, men knocking down your door, or communication. Its confusing and some play games…games?? UGH…. But the biggest issue I have found with dating is feeling insecure. Lets face it, married, single, in a relationship, we all have insecurities. Maybe its a body image thing, maybe its a job situation. We all suffer with this at one time or another. For me I am facing some today. I feel huge. I work at it each day. I have goals. I am killing those goals. But I will never have the body of a 21 year old and that bothers me. I feel this is what men want. I know I am wrong, but this is what I am dealing with. But, if i go out in this world and talk about this to the person I am on a date with, that is so not attractive. Blogging about it may not be the best idea but what the heck right? So what I do is suck it up and live. I talk to my friends about it, I write about it, I work on it. I life heavy and I sprint hard, sorry coach…I eat as clean as I can as often as I can and I crush it. I set goals and I am proactive about my insecurities. We all have them and for the most part we can do something about them. I have so much to offer a lucky guy someday. I am more than a body and I have so much under the surface. I look at my best qualities, and I have so many good ones. I can’t let a few insecurities hold me back from living and living well. So if you are feeling the same, lets do something about it. It took me long recovery process to get here, but it was so worth it.

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Not to my younger self, but to my son….

Yesterday I was with my friend and she played a song for me. It was about writing a letter to your younger self, giving yourself advice ect. As I gave a listen, it made me think of what I would say to my younger self. I began writing but deleted it because I just wasn’t feeling it, so I left it to stew and cook for a few hours. Nothing came to me, until today. I got a call from my ex this morning. We had to deal with an issue concerning our son. Hours later, my word stew was ready, and this is what I came up with….

My dear son,

This life is crazy, amazing, and wonderful.  It can lift you up and then destroy you. It can be confusing, happy, and heartbreaking all in the same day. You will come across amazing people in your life, but you will also come face to face with the devil himself. Life gets hard. Life gets hard for everyone, your dad and myself included. At times it’s a fight and other times it’s a victory. Your dad and I have lived already for you and your brothers. We experienced joy and sorrow and everything in between, and we did it for you boys. We lived and we armed ourselves with advice, strong knowledge, do’s, and do not’s of this thing we call life. We left a few pages blank in our life journal so you can all make your own mistakes and your own victories. So you can succeed and fail. So you can be broken and then repair yourself after. We did a lot of the things you are about to do in your life, the mistakes and the happy mistakes, so we can advise you, lead you, and help direct you in the best direction for you. We won’t always be here for you, but we will leave you with as much direction as we can give you, if you will have it….

Take the chance. Celebrate your failures. Be humble. Kick ass. Love hard. Cry harder. Forgive yourself, we all make mistakes. Keep your brothers close. Bros before Hoes hard. Hug dogs. Stay away from cats. Live out loud. Stand by ocean. Let it go. Move on. Read a lot, write more :). Trust. Forgive. Don’t compare yourself to anyone, ever. Make your own path. If it feels wrong, it usually is. But most importantly know. Know that you are loved so very much and no matter what you do, or which direction you take in life, you will always have home when you need a place to lay your weary head. We will fight for you, but you have to fight for you too. After all, you are one of the best 3 things I have ever done in my life. I love you!

Love,

Mom xoxoIMG_2185

 

 

My 12 Steps to Recovery…..

IMG_0488So today is, from what I understand, a day for me to celebrate. Today I walked into and out of my “last” recovery meeting. Today I wrapped up my 12th step. I am not sure how many of you know that for the past 2 years I have been in a recovery program. What am I recovering from? In a simple answer, life. But more direct, anger management and codependency. Tears fall from my face as I type this. It took me such a long time to admit I needed help. I knew I was angry, I had no idea why. Today I know exactly why. Today, like everyday, I thrive to be a better person.

Recovery for me, like many I assume, was life changing. It was the best thing to ever happen to me. Today I am healthy and I am living a better life than I ever imagined I could live. But the road to get to the is exact moment was full of anger, tears, screams, denial, blame, name calling, and a non existent relationship with the Big Guy. There were days I could not function. There were nights I thought about ending it all. There were hours spent filling my body with alcohol and pills. I wanted to forget the pain. I wanted to pretend everything was great. I wanted to pretend the relationship I was in was the right for me. I banged my head against the same wall for what seemed like forever.

When I first started recovery I was lost and in denial. The next thing I knew my guts were all over the floor and I was picking up only the good pieces of me and putting them back inside me. Once in a while, as I soon found out, I put the wrong pieces back in and I had to start over. It was not an easy process. I would look at my sponsor with my heavy tears and ask her why I am doing this to myself. The only light at the end of the tunnel was that of a train and I wanted to quit so many times, but I didn’t. I didn’t give up on myself. I so badly wanted someone to “save” me. And someone did, it was me. I saved me with the help of my sponsor, my closest friends, and the Big Guy.

I left my meeting today emotionless. Then seconds later,I could not stop crying. I never thought I would come this far, and I have. I am not finished by any means. I am not perfect. I will continue to make mistakes and I will continue to hurt, but I am better prepared for what may come my way. It takes a strong person to see their decisions are destructive to themselves and the ones they love. It takes an even stronger person to face every single damaged thing they have ever done, dissect it and move forward.

I just want to say thank you to my core friends…I know it was not easy to see someone you love hurt so much. I know it would have been easy for you guys to give up on me and walk away, but you didn’t and I can never repay you for that. Thank you for seeing in me what I could not see in myself. I am where I am today partly because of you, me and God.

Next week I begin round 2. I am looking forward to this go around. Things can only get better from here.

20 Years Later…….

Tonight I sit on my couch, in my house over looking the lake. I find my home peaceful and serene. It is my great escape from the world and the people dwelling in it. To get to my house you must travel through the tree lined roads without the yellow lines. You must pass the ranches with both horses and cattle grazing the land. After 30 minutes of travel you will find yourself in the middle of wide open spaces, Texas sized sunsets and stars that will light you up from the inside. When you reach my house you will find 3 levels of comfort. Each floor has my mark on it. This house is all me. I picked it out, I decorated it and I watch my cleaning lady clean it. You will also find the water, a duck family, and amazing wake boards that come by every morning stunting around. It is through the woods and it is amazing. I found this place on purpose. It is away from people, the city, traffic noises and sadly even Sonic. I came here with the intention of recovering from my last relationship. That is right, I packed up and moved away from civilization to get through my rough patch. Has it helped? Was being this dramatic worth it? Did I get through what I needed to be able to move on? Yes. Yes I did and yes it was all worth it.

Tonight, as I sit in my living room alone, the eve before my would be 20th wedding anniversary, I sit with a heavy mind, heart, and so many feelings. I have many bad decisions that always sit close by. Lurking. Waiting. I see them almost every where I go. And they remind me to make the next right decision. They remind me of how strong, gentle, amazing, funny, intelligent, and quite simply that I am me. I keep them close for a reason. I don’t want to continue to make them again and again.

I think we all have regrets we must live with everyday, some worse thanIMG_0034 others, some better. Some of us look at the life we are living around us and we know it is not where we want to be, but we don’t do anything about it for so many reasons. Only the strong survive for a reason.

Today I am happy that I will not be celebrating my anniversary tomorrow. Although he is a great guy, we did not fit together. It took 2 strong people to admit they were unhappy and 2 even stronger people to do something about it. I have had him in my life for 23 years and I do not regret a moment of what we had. We have 3 amazing kids together, and a relationship neither one of us could have imagined. I truly loved him and I truly want him happy. We had to let each other go in order to be happy, not easy by any means, but worth it fully.

So David, happy non anniversary. Here is to many years of being happily divorced!