Freedom in Dating….Who Knew?

OK so I have been “dating” on and off. A few months ago I was sort of seeing someone, or so I thought. I am totally clueless when it comes to that stuff. Like I mean totally clueless. It would be like if your mom started dating. I am a mom and I am dating so there you have it. Anyway I am one of those who loves to read into things and over think everything. So yes I am a girl. I am the one who googles the meaning of emojis, texts that emoji to Pam and says what do you think this means?? So again, I am a girl. Yes men, women do this.  Anyway, things ended with this guy and it was sad for me. I cried for like 12 hours. Not 12 hours straight, but after 12 hours I didn’t really think of him again. Looking back he was a stepping stone for me. I appreciate that about him. I would never see him again, but I will always appreciate him. So since then I did the same thing again. I was clueless. That ended. But that experience was much better. It was more real, if that makes sense. I had some feelings and had to fall back to protect myself from being hurt. Not in the same place and that is OK. If there is another reason I have no idea, but I like to believe thats what it was. When it was over I had no idea how I was going to react. The “old” version of me would have been a bit crazy. Drinking, eating and God only knows what else. This version went to the track. This version sprinted fast. This version jumped high. This version had perfect form, well both versions had that :). But this version also broke down in the middle of snakes on the stadium bleachers and cried while heavy rap music screaming into her ears from her Beats. Then this version ran for another 20 minutes until her heart begged her to stop. But she stayed sober. She went home. Then she went out on a date tonight.

I could not understand the dating process until today. In my head everything had to be planned. Everything had to be laid out. I am old fashioned and I feel dating should be too I guess. But its not. Not at all. There is no wrong way to date. There is no wrong way to be. You just need to live and go from there. On my way to said date, it hit me. It hit me right in the feels. It finally clicked and I understood why people like to date even if they may have found a person they may like. Its freedom. Its fun. No expectations. You can go out with someone tonight, tomorrow night or when ever and meet new people. No pressure. Pressure is what you have in a relationship. F that. At least for now. I am not saying I want to date every night, but I am saying I finally understand it. I have never had much fun in my life. Since I can remember I have always had adult problems to deal with. It started when I was a kid and I still have them today. So maybe going out and having fun, will be ….fun? We will see. I say live your days. Live your life. Wake up slow. Take your kids to school and send a funny joke via text to your people. Your people love you and want you happy. Make plans. Say yes to some and no to others.

Tonight was not bad. Super handsome. Good job. Thought I was attractive, so he’s not blind ;). But a bit boring and didn’t make me laugh much at all. I need to laugh. I love to laugh. If you can make me laugh, you have a good chance with me. He talked about stuff, house, cars, money. Didn’t ask much about me. I am not about money and cars ect. I am about honesty, love, trust…The basics. If I am with someone and all of a sudden he is broke, I would have no problem working 2 jobs to help out. I am not looking for someone to support me. I would like someone to open doors and play with my hair. If he does that in a 1 bedroom apartment or in a 6 bedroom house, I don’t care. I fall in love with people, not things. I want to take care of someone and have someone give me cold meds if I am sick. No one has ever taken care of me in that way. That would be nice…..Anyway….I finally get it, so YAY me!

I suppose this means I will be blogging about my upcoming dates. That should be good…IMG_4134

Holy Growth Batman……

Its safe to stay not much works out the way we expect them to. The day you get married you never plan on getting divorced. You say I do in front of your family and friends, you twirl around on the dance floor, loads of PDA, cake for everyone, and then you are off to start your life. The wedding ends and the marriage begins. Maybe if we planned for a marriage the way we plan for  wedding the divorce rate would not be 50 %. There is more to a marriage than cake, a dj, and bridesmaid gowns. Maybe if we looked inside our selves as much as we look for a dress, things would be different for most of us today, but they are not. It is what it is.

Today I am happily divorced. I don’t say happily because I am happy to be away form the dreaded, bully ex. I say happily divorced because I am happy in general. I have 3 kids with David. I have always hated calling him my ex. It just has a nasty stigma attached to it. Ex sounds do dreadful. So he’s just David. Anyway, David and I have 3 kids together. Forever. You can’t divorce kids. At times yeah you wish you could for a few minutes. But you can’t do that. So he and I are going to be attached forever and ever and ever. Our family will continue to grow whether we like it or not. It will grow in a few different ways. Our kids will get married and have kids and they will have kids. He is getting married and Jessica has kids. 2 girls. I will get married at some point and chances are he will have kids. So all of these kids will have kids and so on. Nothing will change that. We have to learn to co exist if we want to be happy. The day David and I attend our sons wedding, I want to be able to have him take my hand, hold me close and celebrate our awesome kid as we dance together and mean it. We will be genuinely happy for the kids and for ourselves. We will both be living lives we want , not lives we are stuck with. Had we stayed together, there would have been a plethora of fake pictures that would sadly hang on the walls of our kids home. I do not want that.

Today I am happy for David. I am over the moon for him. At times it can sting. It can sting enough to get me to look for some Neosporin. But in general, I am so happy to see him shine. Last night was our sons first high school football game. For those of you who know me, you know what that is like for me. For those of you who don’t know, geeez get to know me better. Anyway, I knew this season was coming. So I planned for it. I talked to my therapist and my sponsor and made a plan. But of course those pans were derailed when David called to tell me he was bringing his future step kids to the game. YIKES. I thought it was going to be ok. I would go, watch the game, heckle the butter hands and the bad snaps and then go home. Welp…not so much.

Right as half time was ending, I spotted him and the kids. Little kids, like 5 and 8, girls. I saw him as he made his way to me. He said hello to my friends and I looked the other way. I am a runner. When things get to be too much, I run. I run and I hide. But there was no hiding from this. He got closer and before I knew it he was in front of me, with them. He said they wanted to meet Cain’s mom. That lasted maybe 36 seconds. He walked away. Suddenly I began to sweat. My arms hung and I felt as if I were a wax mold and I was melting. In my head I could see the wax dripping off of my hands and onto the stadium seating. As the players rush the field, I felt my body begin to cool. I made it. I did it. I got through it. I didn’t feel mad or jealous, just weird. Different. You have to understand I have been through hell and back with this man. This man who I thought I was going to grow old with now has a “new family’. Threw me for loop. It is crazy but we are going through the same things together. He has never done this before and neither have I.

After the game we met to see our son. The girls instantly liked me. They like my accent. Not everyone does. 🙂 But by the time I met up with Cain, the kids wanted to have a sleepover at my house. I am going to take a few minutes to celebrate this “victory”. I have come so far in my recovery. I feel I was able to get through it and continue working on me, so I could get to this point. I see how happy he is and I love it. I see my kids thrive. And I am ready to love again. I had no idea that would ever happen. I am ready for something, but I am also OK on my own. That ladies and gentleman is why. That is why I struggled for years. I had no idea what I was fighting for and now I have it and I feel amazing.

As I watched David walk through the parking, 2 little kids on each side holding his hand, it melted my heart. My picker was not broken when I picked him. They are lucky to have him and I am too.

Remember, you were once friends with your ex. You were close. And now you may not be together, but that does not mean you can’t have a healthy relationship. I know bla bla but he did she did..I get it. Its just better this way..IMG_3895

Now I am taking requests????? Guess so…

So its interesting. I have been writing sort of on and off for I don’t know, 30 years or so. I have stacks of journals, secret blogs, books, poems ect just collecting dust. I began writing in the 3rd grade. It’s a blessing and a curse. I can visualize every thing I feel. I often compare myself to an expose nerve. I blame it on my red hair. I can feel everything. I can feel good, bad, sad, mad. I can even feel your feelings. It sucks. I can not only feel them but I can see them as clear as day. So I write. I describe exactly what I can see and for the most part it turns out pretty well. According to my editor, I have a few things I need to work on, and FYI none of my blog is edited. I am sure that drives her nuts.

Anyway, since I have been self publishing this blog, I have had a few requests. People will call or text and ask me to write about certain things. That is hard for me. In order for me to write, I have to feel. If I can’t feel, I can’t write. My most recent blog, which yeah may have messed up some things, was written at 2 am. I was in bed, thinking and I sat up, turned on my music and started writing almost mindlessly. I was at my office today thinking about it. I came home, erased it all and started over. The problem is once I start, I can’t stop. But it’s something I love. It’s also something I have no control over. When I wrote my very first Elephant, I was driving on 620, I looked up at the sky saw a cloud, pulled over, wrote it and it has been my most successful one to date. Took me about 15 minutes to write that article. So at times it hits me. My kids know if I look a certain way not to speak to me, heaven forbid I lose my train of thought…but for real that’s not good. But when the feeling strikes I need to go with it. When I feel I write. Sometimes it blows up in my face, like todays, but mostly it does not. If you are a part of my life in any way, shape or form, the chances of you being mixed up in my words is pretty good. I look forward to my wedding vows some day. There will not be a dry eye in the house, I will rock that out!!

OK so here we go. I am taking a request from a friend who called today and asked about this topic. I am not sure how this will come out, but I will give it my best shot….This is for you M.

I am by no means a marriage or relationship counselor, but I have been married to a guy who has an opposite personality than I do. That can be hard. I can remember begging him to go out to social events. It was always like puling teeth. It was like putting an exhausted toddler to bed. An argument the days leading up to said dreaded event was almost certain.I would be  excited to go. He clearly wasnt. So what happened?? I ended up dragging a pouty grown man to an event he had no interest in going to. So I didn’t have fun, he didn’t have fun. What was the point?? Had we stayed home, it would have been the same thing. So my advice, marry someone with similar interests. OK so you can’t do that now, it’s too late ya got who ya got. Ya need to make do….

But The best advice I can give is to figure out what exactly you want to do. Just because you are married does not mean you HAVE to do everything together. Remember you are still an individual person who has interests, needs and wants. Just like he does. So if there is an event you want to go to, go. If he wants to stay home because he is happier there, leave him home. Grab some friends, make a night of it and have fun. Maybe he will be attracted to your independence and want to go with you next time.  Be bold enough to make a respectful decision. Don’t waver back and forth. Be confident in your decison to do something wiIMG_3959

No idea how that was….so there is my first request granted….

 

 

 

Not their fault ladies..its yours….

OK so now that my rant is over…what exactly do we do when we are looking rejection in the face? How do we handle that? We put in months and months into someone we sort of knew was not all in but for whatever reason we refused to see it. We refused to listen to what our guts were telling us all along. Now we stand there with our mouths falling on the floor we just cleaned because he was coming over. We fall, land, and come apart. We call our friends and we can feel them rolling their eyes as they try to make us feel better because they have been telling us what we refuse to believe. We get desperate and start picking ourselves apart and trying to figure out what we did wrong. In reality, we did nothing wrong. Some people do not match up. No matter how badly we want to match up, it is just not in the cards, and heres why….

OK lets look at this scenario that I know most of us women have been in, including myself. Meet the guy. Super cute or whatever. He likes you, attracted, dances with you all night. Buys you drinks or appetizers, whatever floats your boat. So end of the night you take  each others numbers . The next day or so, maybe you call or text or even meet up and at some point the guy say these words to you…

I am not looking for a relationship, whatever reason XYZ. There is always a reason.  OK so those words come out of his mouth and into your ears. What you heard was not what he said. He said ” I am not looking for a relationship” you heard ” I challenge you to want me to want a relationship”. So you accept the challenge you made up in your mind. You ignore what he actually wants and in your head you are planning Christmas with him and thinking his mom will love your pink sweater the day you meet her. He’s thinking OK I told her what I wanted, we are good. So you start asking him out, cooking for him, buying him cold medicine ect and why wouldn’t he let you? He made it clear what his intentions were, he really did and now he’s thinking oh wow this is great and I don’t have to have a relationship. Meanwhile you are falling in love with someone who does not want a 3 bedroom house in the burbs and Lucky the dog waking up Jr 30 minutes before he is suppose to be up from his nap, like you do. You are setting yourself up for a disaster that you will blame fully on him when it all crashes down.  So months later when it all comes out AGAIN, that he does not want a relationship, you are crying and talking trash about how he used you and OMG all men are the worst ever. But friend, he TOLD you he didn’t want a relationship. He was not playing games. He was not talking in secret code. He was being, wait for it……HONEST. The thing we accuse them of not being when we twist their words to please our ears.

Now don’t get me wrong. There are actual dirtbags out there. The ones who do lead us on and lie to us. But if you meet a guy and you hit it off and he tells you straight up he does not want a relationship, believe him. You can’t change his mind, trick him or watch ” How to make him fall in love with you in 5 words” videos, to change his mind. Only HE can change his mind, when he’s ready to do so.

So walk away. Walk away if it is a relationship that you want. There will be another guy who will scoop you up. Maybe even that guy will when he’s ready.  But take care of your needs first. You can’t kiss someone’s ass into liking you, or loving you. It has to mutual. And if its not mutual, why would you want that? It’s OK that he is not ready. You are a gem. You are precious. If he does not want you, it seriously is his loss. He will be fine, you will be fine. But walk away. Men are simple. They tell us exactly what they want if we are brave enough to hear what they are saying. We can’t blame them anymore, we just can’t.

Let him chase you. Live your life. Date, don’t date. Plan a trip. Live. Smile. Be happy. And when the guy who sees you for what you are; amazing, beautiful, funny, smart and just perfect in his eyes, wants to be in your life andIMG_6175 shows up, you will know it. That will be the one.  Lets learn from our past mistakes and have an open mind to our futures. And don’t hate me, Im just the messenger. And no this is not about you. You know who you are….

 

 

 

 

 

I am not tagging anyone..my rant…

Usually I sit here and listen to my music as I feel feelings turn into words and I gently, lovingly, place them where they belong. They go from my heart to my head to my paper and then directly into your eyes, head and for some of you your, hearts. Well folks tonight I will not be trying to touch anyones heart.  Tonight I am feeling something different and I am going to go ahead and just blurt it out in the way I see fit.

Do you know how fucking hard it is to just be a fucking human?? Do you know how difficult it is to get up everyday and face the same demons you faced yesterday? You wake up to see they are still there and they remind you of faults, mistakes, and pure uncertainty. Then you come along in your selfish manor, take advantage as much as you can. You lay down your lies, tuck them neatly in around me and wait for them to either grow or I don’t notice them. I am not a an idiot. I trusted what you said to me. I believed you as your bullet lies came out of your gun mouth. I wanted to believe you. And I put in everything I could for you to turn out to be a lying dirtbag.

So the moral of this is just be honest. Being honest can be hard. It can be difficult. But there is nothing worse than finding out you have been lied to..and for what?? What is the pay off? Be a man, suck it up, and just be honest.

Fucker.

 

 

 

Let that clock run out…

Today, cleaning, organizing, moving round my house because 2 cups of Spark….I came across a few things from my prior relationship. I opened a drawer I never open. When I spotted a trinket I was given in the beginning of that relationship, I instantly had a visual of breaking it. Not in a crazy fuck you sort of way, but in a damn I am so glad this over sort of way. In a, everything we had a was a lie and broken before it even began sort of a way, sort of symbolic of how everything was between us, broken.  I looked at this globe with our faces in it and the words he inscribed “May it Never Strike Midnight” eye roll. It struck midnight before batteries were put in the clock.IMG_6249 That picture, being the first picture we had taken together, was the only picture we had taken together without a bad memory attached to it and we were together 4 years. I held that globe as I left my room, went downstairs, slipped on my shoes, hat because its raining, you know I had to think of my hair. I went into the garage and realized I have no tools. I went back into the kitchen grabbed an ice cream scooper. Clearly I have no clue as to how to break something without a hammer. I went to the side of the road to break this “symbol” and snap a pic of it.

I did it. The ice cream scooper didn’t work, big surprise. So I smashed it a bit on the road, that worked. The best part of doing this, was that I felt nothing. Nothing. I had zero feelings. Not angry, sad, mad, tearful, or even happy. I was annoyed I had to pick up the glass, but other than that, I feel fine. The memories attached to that and everything else to do with him are sitting the trash in a bag with that broken globe. And that is where they will stay.

I have so many great things going on today in my life. I have other worries taking up space in my mind and he is no longer one of them. So to everyone who is with someone they do not want to be with, or know they are living an un healthy life, make the change. It is so much better over here, with me. Even on the rainiest days, the sun is still shinning, those birds are chirping, and my bank account is full. I promise, once you get through the hard part, it will all be worth it!

That Space…That Pesky Little Space.

It’s that dreaded space that keeps people in bad, unhealthy relationships. It forces some to cheat and find a replacement before they can end a relationship. They find a warm body to get them out of something they no longer want to be in because they are afraid to be alone. But in turn they find themselves in an even worse situation. Its like perpetually stepping in gum. They are suck and can’t get that crap off their shoe so they just learn to live with it. They make the same mistakes over and over because they are afraid to be…..ALONE……oh no, not ALONE.

Fear is a sneaky little bitch. It is always lurking, bulling. But fear is nothing. It is in your head. It is a feeling we are taught from our early days, thanks mom and dad. So we date. We endlessly date. For most we have no idea what we are looking for because we have not spent enough time alone to even know who we are. We fill out profiles with some truths, like our names, but mostly we embellish who we are because we are trying to intrigue the opposite sex into wanting to spend time us. Then we get the date. We show up. The person shaking our hand looks nothing like the filtered picture that got our attention to begin with. But we keep trying over and over and we keeping finding our selves on dates with filtered pictures and nothing below the surface. But to what end? Fear, you little bitch.

We try to force ourselves into something, and at times for some of us, into anything. I am no different. After my divorce I jumped into something so quickly my head is still spinning. At the time it was ideal for me, or so I thought. The first few weeks were amazing. He was everything I thought I wanted. A few weeks later when the reg flags came marching in, I ignored them because I didn’t want to be alone. I suffered and took it day after day because, at the time, being alone was worse than being abused. I was more afraid to live alone than I was to end it with this guy. WHAT THE FUDGE WAS I THINKING??????

Back then I was not healthy. But today, I am a different person. Today I love waking up alone. I love that I can sleep in the middle of my king size bed, that I can fart when I need to and that is huge. I get up at my own pace. I can pee with the door open. I can sing as loud as I want to when I want to, and I can leave my clothes on the bathroom floor where ever they land after a long day. I have my bathroom towels in a color coordinated way that I like to look at when I am about to shower. I pick out my own toothpaste and I know when I need to buy floss. My morning routine has become precious to me. I am discovering who I am at different times of the day. I am slowly becoming me. I realized a lot of this last night..

I have some people in my life who mean a lot to me. Some people I don’t get to see very often, but when I do it is as if we just hung out yesterday. I was fortunate to see them last night. But hours before the party I was suppose to go to, I had dinner with a friend. We were dressed in sweats and workout gear. During dinner I was like lets go to this party. She was wanted to kill me. She was not thrilled when I suggested we hit the store, get clothes, shoes and head downtown…But she did it. We went to the closest clothing store, grabbed a few things, tried them on, got some shoes and headed next door to the beauty outlet. A few samples of makeup, squirt of smell good, whipped up hair in a dirty bun and a quick change of clothes in the bathroom later, we were ready!  DAMN we rocked it, we really did. We hopped in the car and before we knew it we were laughing and having a blast with my friends.

It was a night that a few years back never would have happened. I would have been afraid to make my own decisions. He had to work and heaven forbid I did anything without him. Posed for a pic with another guy or was even around other guys without him  would have set him off. While on our way my friends husband called. I heard the ” Where are you, when will you be back” sort of questioning and my chest got tight. I realized at that moment I liked the idea of a relationship more than the actual relationship.

Right now I am enjoying the space between no longer and not yet. I am not online dating. I am not on the lookout for a guy. I am not saying I am not open, I am just not looking. I am having fun. I am seeing my friends. I am spending time with my kids, IMG_3819the track and the weights at the gym. I am doing what I want, when I want and I am doing it with a huge, genuine smile across my face.

So discover that space. Enjoy that space. For me that space is precious. Its like pressing the snooze button a few times. You know the relationship is coming, because it is. But this time is short lived. Make memories. Sleep in. Eat in bed. Fart. Discover who you are when you are alone. It’s OK to be alone. It’s OK to be the third, fifth, or even 11th person for dinner with your friends. This is your time and time is precious!

Most know, Some Don’t, Do You??

Damn girl, you brave!!!

I suppose we all have different meanings of what brave is. For some its as simple as killing a spider, and believe me, that is BRAVE or jumping into the water for the first time, making on offer on a house, deciding to open the business you have always dreamed of, looking a that pregnancy test regardless of how the want the outcome to be, taking the first step after your foot surgery, filing for divorce, opening the small envelope from your first choice college. Bravery can be defined in many ways. We each have our own story. Some of us have multiple stores while others have that ” I remember that one time I was brave ” story. But this is one of my stories of bravery….

I was the one who was brave enough to look at the pregnancy test. I wanted it to be negative. I held that test while I peed and before I stood up, it was positive. I can tell you exactly what went through my head in that exact moment. I looked at my soon to be baby daddy and present boyfriend and thought Fuck. I am stuck with him forever. I was 17. I didn’t have a great family to jump into action and rub my feet when they swelled. I had David. I had me. and I had the little kicker living inside me. That was it.

When I made the decision to keep the baby, it was a strong yes. There was no wavering. There was no turning back. I was going to do this. I was going to do this with or without my boyfriend. And I did. I got up every morning and went to school. I went to work after and for the next 9 months that is what I did. At times I would go home after school and cry. I would cry because I was 17 and I was pregnant and I was going to school and showing everyone what I have done. I looked forward. I didn’t make eye contact. I didn’t try to hear the whispers. I just did what I had to do. It was not easy. At the time it was not brave for me. It was a consequence. At night, I would talk to the baby. A lot. I would read to the baby. And I struggled with loving the baby. If I loved the baby, then I did it on purpose, if I didn’t I was awful. But that baby was all I had. I had no idea if it were a boy or a girl. I wanted a boy. I assumed it was a boy. But at night, in those moments when it was just us, the two of us going through sort of the same thing, we bonded. During the day, I pretended there was no baby.

Fast forward to delivery day. I was in the hospital bed in a sterile room. A room no teen has any business being in and I was alone. I was alone and I was terrified. My mom was with me. She left and said she would be right back, she never came back. I was alone with my thoughts. I realized this was happening and I was going to be a mom. I had no idea how to be a teenager. I didn’t even have a license. How was I going to be a mom? I had no choice. I had no plan. I had no clue. A few hours later my boyfriend showed up. He drove in from school  few hours away. He was just as clueless as I was. But it was a relief to see him. A few hours later I had a son. I had a son and I was a mom. I was no longer a pregnant teen, I was upgraded to teen mom.

Little Jack David was born 6 lbs 9 oz and as healthy as he could be. They handed him to me, he was so little. This was the baby I had been talking to. He was so cute. And mine. Moments later the room was full of family. And I felt obligated to share him. So I did. I handed over the little guy who was only mine for 9 months. I felt torn. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t know what I was doing, but i knew I wanted him just for me. After the room settled and they all left, it was just us for a few moments. With him in his incubator and me on my side looking into those brown eyes and those brown eyes looking back at me, I told him I was sorry I was his mom. I told him he deserved better than me. That I could not offer much, but I would do the best I could to give him a good life. And I did.

Today that little guy is 21. He is in college. He kicks ass in lacrosse. He has a lot of hair. He no longer loves cats. He is a big brother. He has a dog. A bit of an ager problem. A huge heart. Loves Peeps. Still likes it when I play with his hair. And when he’s around, I feel complete. He is amazing. I did everything I told him I would do. I fought for him. I protected him. I taught him both good and bad habits. We made both good and bad memories. But we did it together. I still struggle with being a mom. I still look into those same brown eyes and silently tell him I am sorry for being his mom. Although I did my best, I know IMG_0063I could have done better. But knowing this, I try. I try everyday. If you sat him down and asked him how he felt about me being his mom, I know he would say he loves me. I know he would not trade me for anything.

So Jack, as you continue on this journey called life, know that everything I have done was for you. I wanted you to have a better life than I did and I found strength in me I had no idea I had and I found out who I was and what I was made of because of you. I would not change a thing. So for me, right now, letting you go on your own is the bravest thing I have done. But know that I will never desert you. I will continue to fight for you, protect you and be here for you until my last breathe….I love you Jacky David Mips…..

Fat to Fit to Rock Bottom and Back….

951A6338-2As many of you know I have been in the fitness industry for a few years now. I was mostly known for my massive transformation. Heaviest was 230 lbs. I went from fat to fit a few times. In between going from fat to fit, I lost a marriage and got mixed up in a bad situation. Most of you also know I went through and am still going through a recovery program. 2 years ago, while shooting, I walked out and vowed to never pose for a camera again. I was carb depleted, dehydrated, and in a poor mental state. While we were rounding my 3rd dress change, I had had enough. I pushed the giant tire I was posing with, stripped off my suit, grabbed my sweats and got hammered at the Mexican restaurant next door. I was offered a clothing line and I turned it down because I was done shooting. And I was. I walked away from all of it. I walked away form the “spotlight” and into a recovery program.

A few days ago I called my photographer and asked her to shoot me. I have been working with my coach and I felt ready for something. I am not carb depleting. I was not dehydrating. I was in a safe mental state. I was ready. I threw it together in a matter of minutes. I grabbed a dress, a gown, the highest heels I had, jeans, a tank, glasses, lip gloss, and hat. I was ready. I showed up and I made sweet, sweet love to that camera. I felt good. I felt happy and at peace. As I listened to my heavy rap music, moved with each click, and swayed my hips, I smiled. I smiled because from deep down inside my soul, I was happy. I am happy. I smiled, pouted, smirked, and everything in between, for me. Not because a guy was on my mind, although there was…but I was being who I am for me. Not anyone else.

As we began shooting my third outfit, Michelle showed me a few pics. She scrolled through a few and before I knew it, I had tears running down my face. I looked so pure, so happy, so free. In the moment with my friend taking pics of my inside, not my outside, I realized what exactly it was that I survived. Not everyone who gets knocked down gets back up stronger than before. Some people get knocked down and they stay there because its so hard to find balance again. But I got up. It took some time. I went from my back, to my knees, to crawling until I had enough strength to stand and when I stood, I stood tall. I won’t get knocked down like that ever again. Ever.

I stood in my gown, in my heels and I saw for the first time who have grown into and it had nothing to do with my face or my body but everything to do with who I am under my skin. Strong. Brave. Fearless. Powerful. Amazing. So for me doing this shoot was not about how I look, but how I feel. I have been dragged though it. Left in pieces in the dirt and I came out of it a better person. The pictures are not of my face, but of my soul, my happiness, and mostly of my strength.

I feel women need to do something like this for themselves. Not for a guy to want her. But for her to see how amazing she is. I used to shoot half naked. I am not half naked as a person anymore. I am proud of who I have become. I am proud to show off who I am. I am someone my sons can be proud of and that means the most to me. My boys deserve a happy, healthy mom. And I am the only one who can ensure they get what they deserve in an mom.

 

Damn it, why do I keep doing this….?

I honestly have no idea if this is a blessing or a curse. I have been blessed with the ability to put words to paper and evoke feelings. I have been cursed with feeling everything. As it turns out when I feel, I share, with the world. It would be better if I laid on my king size bed, in my room, of my amazing house, and wrote these feelings to my diary, middle school style.

Dear Diary,

I saw Jake today, he looked at me. He was wearing a red shirt.

Yeah no. That is so not me. Instead I pour my heart out. My personal life. My ups and so many of my downs. I spill them all over the carpet of my lap top and then press publish. It’s not my fault, its your fault reader. You message me. You call me. You look up to me. For whatever reason my words and my honesty inspire some of you. I find it hard to believe because I have made so many mistakes that I have no idea how I can still function on a daily basis. But I guess we all have. Not all of us are crazy enough to share every nook and cranny with the rest of the world though. I guess it’s the topics I choose to write about. Going from a needy Hulk, to an independent civilized human is something that gets a lot of attention. The abusive relationship to the strong woman is another one. So here I sit. Full of feelings. Lots of feelings. I can feel them beginning to bubble over from sitting on the stove of my brain all day, all day, mainly the past few weeks. And per usual I can’t believe the things I want to write about.

So tonight I am going to write what my heart is telling me to write about….coming out of the dark and into the light. It’s a tough transition moving from relationship to relationship whether its romantic, co-worker, or friendships…any time you move from relationship to relationship there is always a transition period. When I switched cable companies I missed my old cable. I thought about changing back. I talked to the cable box and wined ” Why can’t you just be Time Warner”? I missed what I had, until I realized why it was gone…oh right in the feels with that one huh????

I have realized why certain things and people are gone from my life. I have let go and I have officially moved on. I carry zero feelings for the person who was in my life before. No anger. No hate. No resentment. No happiness. No great memories. I am holding onto nothing. And that feels so good. Last night I listened to the same song over and over and over again..Wrabel’s 11 Blocks. I listened to lyrics of this poor sap who, 3 years later, was holding onto some chick who lived 11 blocks from him. This guy has a person waiting for him at home, but is walking toward this girls place. WHAT????? NO!!! I realized so many people do this. They lose someone, can’t let go and compare. NOPE! Not me. I can’t do that. For me, that is a prison. If I have a person waiting for me at home, that is all I want to think about. I am too old for this ” OMG, I just miss this person so much” Crap. If you miss that person, leave me alone and go spend time with them. I am way too good to be a second thought.

So now what? You are single. Recovered from the damaged heart. Now the games begin? UGH. Yup. You have options. App options. No thanks. Anyone I met on Match was a total nut job. 4 crazies, Stalker Guy, Broken Jaw Guy, Alien Guy..yes they have nicknames, and possibly real names but I have no idea what they are anymore and then the one who said I was too independent. Really? So I stopped looking. Totally stopped. I have a job that needs me. 3 kids that need me. A track that won’t run on itself. Friends that need me to make them laugh. I have no time to mess with fools who can’t see an amazing thing right in front of them. So then what? It happens. It just happens. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere and lands on your front door. And your first instinct is to smash it to smithereens because you do not want to get hurt again. But then its cute and makes you laugh, so you stop yourself from smashing it. You look at it and think ” what the hell do I do with this”?  and even though you are scared, you progress because something about it is intreging and has your attention. You fully know you can get hurt at a moments notice, or that it will lose interest and you will be left alone again. But for what ever reason you want to see where it goes. Even if it goes only down the street, you feel happy. You feel happy because you are feeling again. You see it for what it is. Genuine. Tall. Giving. And then you realize maybe, just maybe its worth the risk. And you go for it. You are clueless. Over thinking. Doubtful. At times insecure. But also somewhat hopeful. It feels good now, today. And even though your giant Kool Aid smile may turn into a night full of tears and sad music, you realize it could also turn  into something more, over time. You can’t rush these things.

Just rememebr you know how strong you are, how much crap you have been though. You are a total badass. You realize how much you bring to the table and that whom ever lands you, is one lucky SOB and yu are so not afraid to eat alone at that table.  So you just go with it. You throw your shoulders back, fill up your confidence cup and you face your days with the same happiness you had before and you see how it goes, that is all you can do. You live. IMG_1939