I seem to be a little more comfortable here tonight than my newly discovered blog site. Not sure how I feel about that place right now. Maybe frustrated. Frustrated because it seems to be too big of a space to have your voice heard. Crowded. Over populated. This space on the other hand seems to fit me just right, at least for now. It’s a little less daunting, a little more intimate for this post tonight.
Tonight I sit on my bed, in my room with a heavy heart and even heavier mind. I have thoughts running rampant in my head. I have no idea where to be begin so I will begin by saying I am sober. I am not drinking and I have not taken any pills to mask my pain. This is the first time in a very long time that I am feeling emotional pain sober. After my marriage ended, I began to drink. I started slowly introducing myself to alcohol one beverage at a time. I began with beer and moseyed my way onto the delicious taste of sweet red wine. Sweet wine and I had a whirl wind of a relationship just before I met my dear, dear friend whiskey. Whiskey. Ahh. Neat please. 2 drops of water to take the edge off. Sit on top of my tongue so I can taste every aspect of you old friend, so I can let the pure taste of you make your way around my mouth before I take you all in.
After my break up with the other guy, it was on. Drinking all the time just to forget. It was fun at first and then it became work. Work as in calling my friends to apologize to them the day after the damage I may or may not have caused. The more I drank the more I believed I could convince my ex to be with me again. While intoxicated I had plans. Genius plans to get us back together. I think it was after I sobered up that I discovered what douche bag he really was and I stopped talking to him and plotting to be with him again. When I sobered up I realized I was mostly drunk the entire time I knew him and I figured out why I stayed so long. So thanks alcohol.
Tonight my old friend Whiskey is safe and sound under lock and key at the packie and not in my house. I have stopped drinking to feel less. I have stopped drinking to pretend my life is great and I stopped drinking to feel better. I do drink to celebrate, but thats it. And for me this is a victory. I used to pair my drinking with pills. A tight lil combo to ensure a blacked out night of who knows what. But pills are also under lock and key in a pharmacy I do not have access to. Tonight I am feeling what I need to feel, I am sober and it’s just me, feeling my damn feelings. And it sucks. Fuck you feelings.
I am wearing this pain like winter coat. It’s thick, heavy and covers my entire back but especially my shoulders. The pain is in the air around me. I can see it looming over my head and I can’t seem to get rid of it. A shot of whiskey would do the trick, but a shot of whiskey may also have me texting away and I can’t have that. I have to feel this. I have to go through this. I know it hurts now, but I also know this is going to help me grow and since I have been making a habit of growing in the past few years I might as well stick to what is working.
I am not even sure what I am feeling is normal. There was a guy and I fell. I fell pretty hard. How could I not? I am just going to say it, he was pretty friggin amazing. If I I could describe a great guy I would want to meet, the computer would have spit him out. Everyone has flaws, including me, but my lord, he was something else. So clearly this is over. It hurts like hell. It just does. Not sure if it hurts because of expectations, or because it never fully got off the ground. I have no idea. But I do know this is a different feeling entirely. He was not an ass. He was not mean. He was not abusive or a name caller or anything my ex was like. Maybe that is why it hurts so much. Maybe its because he was so great and I was starting to get used to that. Maybe it hurts because this was the first person I had feelings for after my last relationship. Maybe it is because this was the first time I trusted someone enough to open up my heart to ever. I have no idea why it hurts like this. I can’t pin point it exactly. It could be a mixture of all of these things. But I know I am not sad because I will be alone, I am OK alone. I am sad because this man meant something to me and he does not feel the same way, and that is OK. Neither of us did anything wrong. Sometimes it is not a good fit and that is also OK.
Before he came into my life I was afraid I was never going to feel again. And I did. I felt again and I am sober. So if I can take anything away from this its those two things. I am sad. I am hurt. But I am OK and I will be OK.