New Year, More Improved Me, Not New.

As each New Year approaches, we all seem to evaluate the year that is about to be behind us and make plans for the new year. What we want to look like, our relationship status, new job, more money in the bank ect… We plot and as we twist our hands over and over in front of us, we plan out how we are going to dramatically change our lives. A year later, as we begin to do the same thing, we realize the plans we had made just a year ago failed to launched.  We look the same, for some we are still in an unhealthy relationship, and we never did progress with our job the way we intended. We feel as if we failed and we are more determined to make the next year the year of “ME”. This will be the year I get married. This will be the year I get that promotion. This will the year I look fantastic. The first few weeks in we are READY. Until we are not. Until we give up because the order to change was so tall and unrealistic.

This year, for me anyway, I am going out of 2016 with so many victories. I had a good year. Just like you did. But we forget the good because the bad is so bad. And the bad was awful. I had a lot of loss this past year. I cried rivers. I drank to forget. I fell down so much I forgot I had legs.  My heart was shattered all over the floor. But I also discovered new friends. I made amazing memories. I climbed mountains I thought were unreachable. Next year will be much of the same. I will cry. I will fall. I will fail. I will most likely have my heart hurt again. But I will also succeed. I have no idea if I will find love, get married or win the lottery. But I know I will live. I will laugh and I will survive. I know I will visit my son in college and cheer him on as he plays lacrosse. I know I will attempt to see my Godson play football in the Fall. I know I will be sitting in the stands as my youngest plays football. I know I will fight my demons, and continue to self discover. But most of all I know if any parts of my life need to change, they will change because of me and the actions I must take if I wasn’t any positive change to happen in my life. If I want a better job, I have to fight for it. Nothing will be handed to me. I know if I want my bank account to grow and my waist to slim, it is all on me to make these changes. The calendar date will do nothing but change itself, in the same way I will need to change myself.

For 2017 I will continue. To learn. Let go. Move on. Laugh more. Make amazing memories. Accept me for who I am. Make peace with the reflection in the mirror. I will continue to write, feel, express. I will continue to figure out my bank account. And I will continue to recover.

No more New Year, New Me. We don’t want a new you, we want you to Continue being who you are with changes only to better yourself, not change so people will like you. Change because you want to. Change to grow into a better version of you, not a new version of you.

2017 the year of living. Happy New Year!!!!! img_1417

 

New Series Launch TBD…

Last year just at this time, I was wrapped up in something other than a present. I could not see a way out. I didn’t want to see a way out. The people around me could see it clear as day. They made an escape plan for me. Gave me light to lead the way. But I refused to believe what I was doing was wrong. I had to figure it out for myself, and I did. Months and months later. Many tears and many questions later, I figured it out. I could not see what I was wrapped up in was not healthy. No matter who talked to me about it or tried to explain it to me, their words fell on deaf ears.

img_7034We all have someone in our lives, at one time or another, who struggles with being with the wrong person. We watch the one we love hurt, cry, and struggle. We pray for them. We try to be there for them. We try to show them that the relationship they are in is harmful. For some of us, we give up. It’s to hard to see our friend, sister, mom, or even brother be in an abusive relationship. So we walk away for our own good. And for others, we stay. We dry the tears. We listen from day-to-day about the roller coaster ride our loved one is one. We roll our eyes, keep things we want to say inside, and at times we fake a reason to hang up the phone because if we don’t we may say something we will regret.

I can’t tell you why some walk away and why some stay in our lives as we go through this sort of relationship.  I have been on both sides of the fence. I have had people walk away from me in my darkest hours and I have had people light a candle in those same hours. I am grateful for both. I have walked away from friends in the same situation and I have been the one to light the candle in those hours for them. I can’t explain any of this in one article. But I can explain it. I do not have a degree in psychology. But I have something much better, I have real life experience and I am going to share this experience with a new series.

I will be launching my story in detail. A weekly series broken into 3 parts. All of it. From the beginning to the very end. The in’s and out’s of how I got into this situation, why I stayed, and how I got healthy. I am both terrified and excited at the same time. I hope with this series I can bring comfort, healing, and answers for anyone in a narcissistic abusive relationship and for anyone loving someone in this sort of relationship. If anyone can do this, it is me. Please stay tuned for more information as I prepare to launch this, hopefully life changing series of raw truth, torn open heart, and a soul bearing, real life explanation of why we stay where we don’t belong….

 

 

 

 

Was Any of it Real? I don’t know….

A few years back my grandmother was living in a nursing home. While there she fell ill and needed to go to the hospital. I was in Texas and she was 1700 miles away in Boston. I called him and frantically told him about how worried I was about her. Without thinking he hopped into his car and before I knew it he was with her and my mom for hours making sure she was ok. He called and texted pictures and she was smiling, holding his hand. I remember looking at those pictures and with relief I sat back and I think I fell in love with him again. But was it real? Was he there because he cared or because it looked good?

I sit at home tonight and a million scenarios rush through my head, suddenly stop and then begin again. I think of the nights he fought with me and then went out. The nights he randomly sent me an “I love you” text. The few times he seemed surprised I should up for a visit unexpectedly. It all makes sense now, 2 years later with the truth spilling all over my white pants like hot coffee, I am burned.

Your heart rate is up and your stomach is on the floor somewhere in the house but no idea where. No interest in looking for it. You don’t need it, not right now anyway. All you need is answers. But the answers you seek are being both unanswered and being thrown at you disguised as lies. But today, tonight, you know better. You can see him, a now foggy image of someone you thought you knew, as a liar. Cheater. Untrustworthy. You struggle for answers. You cry until your throat hurts. Until you can no longer see because your eyes are so swollen. You can’t eat. All you can do is think and put the pieces to a puzzle you never wanted together. Alone in your room at 2:30 am they suddenly connect. Years. This went on for years. With how many? Through your bawling eyes and your raspy voice you thank God for the immense pain you are in. You thank Him for removing him from your life. But has he ever really been gone?

Minutes turn into painful hours and as you watch the time slowly tick by, you second guess all go it. Every. Single. Word. Did he ever love me? Was I just a pawn? Was I someone he could level up with? Was any of it real? These questions will haunt me for a while. I am human. I can’t just let go. So lets look at it all. All of it. The good. The bad. The rest.

I am a writer. I write. I will write. I will write about the past 5 years. I will not write to cause harm. I will write to heal both myself and you ( my readers) . I will write for you. I will be your voice. Through my words you will heal. You will find peace and comfort. You will discover you are not alone. You are OK and none of this is your fault. You will learn of sickness and of disease. You will learn a lot and I will teach you.

As for me, I am broken, just like you. But I am healing and I am going to be OK.img_5377

Do You Have A Track Side??

I am not sure how other writers get their words,thoughts or ideas. I have no idea if they outline, jot down ideas, or have a continuous stream of thoughts in their heads. All I know is where I get my ideas from. For me they come at random times. I may hear a word, or see a picture. I may hear a voice or a song and suddenly I am triggered. When I am triggered, I need to write. If I don’t, I lose it. At times I am in the grocery store frantically writing enough so later I can finish my thoughts. I have pulled over on the side of the road, shushed my friends and woke up out of nowhere to write. Many nights I fall asleep with an article in my head and wake up without it.

The other night a few friends of mine and I got in my car and head to a birthday party. On the drive we talked and laughed and had a good time. Nothing there yet. At the party we walked in and we were mistaken for the birthday girl and we were surprised as everyone yelled out as we walked thought the door. Nothing there. For the night we talked and saw friends we don’t get to spend much time with. We ate food and enjoyed some water. We took pictures and ate cake. Nothing there. For a few minutes we stood close by and the subject of my writing came up. We talked about a few articles and what may become of my writing. My friend and I started talking about the track. About how amazing it is and she suggested I wrote about the track. I thought about and came up with nothing. Until……..

On my way home form a long day at work the other night I felt stressed. When I left my office it was dark and I was annoyed and exhausted. I sat back in my car and as I drove home I made a plan to go into my house, change, and head to the track. I needed something. Whiskey. 10 Cheeseburgers. Whiskey. But I decided to run. I need to be outside. I got home and changed. As I got back on to my car, I noticed my bad long day, unfinished paperwork, the stress of training someone new at work and the weight of the world got into the var along with me. As I made sure everyone was buckled in, I rolled my eyes and backed out of my driveway.  When I got there it was dark. No cars in the parking lot. The gate was open as if it was welcoming home. And it was. Suddenly all the things that came with me in the car, were gone and I was alone again.

As I made my way onto the black lava, I inhaled deeply and shivered at the same time. The night was black and the stars were dancing. Celebrating my return. I turned on my Beats, placed my water down and I started to run. As I made my way around, I continued to shiver. I knew this familiar feeling and I knew it would soon be replaced with sweat and it was. As I jogged, I began to write in my head. I began to feel. I began to remember. I sprinted and sprinted again. At one point as I ran from 20% and gradually made my way to 80% I remember thinking I could not see a foot in front of me. But I kept going. Half blind and using my other senses to find my way in the dark,  I could not help but think running on the track in the dead of night is a lot like life. You have no idea where you are going, but you keep moving forward. You keep pressing on because you know it’s the right direction. You may not always see what’s coming, but you are safe enough and strong enough to move forward anyway. As I finished my 100’s, I looked up at the night sky and I was thankful. Thankful to be there alone in the dark with just my heavy breathing and my thoughts.

After I finished my workout, I grabbed my water and walked the track. As I walked I realized how happy I was. I remembered why I loved to go there. The track for me and maybe for others, has been a second home.  My friend, my mentor, my coach was the one who introduced me to the track. She is the reason I am who I am today. After the first time she invited me, I vowed to never go back. She had me, a former fatty, running with actual athletes. My heart begged me to go home and my oxygen threaten to never help me breathe again if I ever set foot on that track again. But I went back and I fell in love. I have turned to the track for all the good and bad.  In the weeks after my ex husband moved out I met my coach for a session. At the end of our workout, after I managed to hold it together, she said I had 1 more 400 to get through. I bent over and I lost it. I cried like a baby.  I was exhausted physically and mentally. I had nothing left to give. I was broken. She looked at me, grabbed my hand, and told me we would get throughout it together. That day, with a broken heart, soul, and spirit, my friend held my hand as we ran that 400 together. img_5329

The track is more than a place to workout. The track is where you learn. Grow. Heal. Discover. You do not have to be an athlete to run on the track, you just need to be willing. Willing to test yourself and see what you are made of. We all have a good side, a bad side, a dark side and a light side, but only the few and the lucky have a track side…..

Thank you Monica for my track side. Without you I never would have discovered this part of me. A part of me that I love. You have taught me its great to look good but what is the point if you can’t move. You have taught me to believe in myself. You have taught me to try new things. You have taught me I can do anything want to do. xoxoxo