Kelly Smith~Signs in the Rear View Mirror~Book Edition…

As many of you already know I have signed a book deal with Sunny Day Publishing to turn my weekly series “Signs in the Rearview Mirror” into a book. I have been working, writing, rewriting, and smashing my head into a wall to be sure this book comes out exactly the way I want it to in order to help as many as I can. I know as I help others I am exposing parts of myself to the entire world that normally would remain extremely private. But I have been given this talent for a reason. The follow is an excerpt from one of the chapters of my new book and my first podcast is attatched at the bottom. Please read, listen, share, and give your feedback.

I was 17, a junior in high school and Derek was 19, just finishing his first year of college and I was pregnant with his baby. Derek dropped to the floor and started to cry. In stunned silence I held him and then, through my own tears, told him he was going to be OK. When he was able to move, he made his way to his bedroom and called his friend, leaving me on that blue bathroom floor.

When I finally thought I was able to move, I found I didn’t. I couldn’t. Fear has immobilized me. I guess somewhere I felt that if I didn’t move, stayed frozen in time, I wouldn’t have to face this. Everyone could just work around me as I sat on that bathroom floor and use me as a toothbrush holder or something. That way I wouldn’t have to deal with the reality of it all, or tell my parents, or think about it. Of course, I knew at some point, I would have to move. The sad part was, I had nowhere to go. No one to tell. After Derek had hung up the phone, he felt better. Not good, but better. I wondered what that felt like, to feel better. I could not remember the last time I felt better. For as long as I could remember I always had to deal with adult problems. And this adult problem would be no different. I would have to deal with it whether I liked it or not. I did eventually get up, put one foot in front of the other, and left.

Derek stayed home in his comfortable room, where football posters hung from the walls with the smell of  pot roast being cooked by a “normal” mother in a clean kitchen down the hall. As for me, I went to the place I called home. A place where the smoke hung so heavy in the air that the thickness of it stuck to my nose and throat. I felt the filth and grime as I walked across the old carpet in the livingroom housing parasites, stains of  food and years of spilt drinks. I headed towards the kitchen to see piles of dirty dishes in the sink, used pots and pans still on the stove, and the disgusting pyramid of trash climbing the wall from the trash can, begging to be changed. Through the smoke in the living room, I heard a cough and saw that familiar faint orange glow…one of my parents buried beneath the fog of their life long obsession.

I made my way to my bedroom, easily unnoticed. I laid on my bed, the top half of the bunk I shared with my little sister, in that pit of a house, with that tiny little secret nestled in the deep dark corners of my womb. Staring at the paint peeling from the ceiling and the cracks in the walls, I thought of all the ways I could mess up a kid’s life. What had I done? How could this be happening to me? Derek and I had gone through so much together between that moment and this one. The moment where I am with someone else and not him. How did I get to this moment right now with Jake? 

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Full Circle…

Tonight I am revisiting my old friend, the blog. For the past few months I have been opening up my google drive, typing away my most intimate private parts of my life for the entire world to see. And I do mean the entire world, to date my weekly series has visited 48 countries. Since I began the series I had a plan. A plan and a timeline. By my calculations, I should still be waking up daily to head to my office and stand in as an oral surgery tech, come home, and write. But my series won over the attention of a publishing company, Sunny Day, and I was able to quit my job and write full-time. I am now taking my series and turning it into a book. Like I said by my calculations I should still be a working stiff, but I have never been good at math.

Tonight I am grateful to be home. On my deck. Writing this blog. While I see the day slipping away and the evening set in, I am listening to natures night life begin to awaken and start their “day”.  I am happy to have opened this page on WordPress and spill my thoughts all over my laptop. It has been a while since I have shared my thoughts with my readers and tonight as I find my self removed from my old life and settling into my new one, I figured tonight was a good night to begin blogging again.

The past few weeks have been nothing shy of a whirl wind for me. Leaving my job was bitter-sweet. I guess I didn’t realize that my job was so much more than a job for me. I have been going to the same place, day in and day out for over two years and I got attached to everyone I worked with. They went from total strangers, to a different kind of family. A family who accepted me and my weirdness, questioned my life choices and helped me when I was down. I miss them. I miss my job. I miss my patients. But they also knew it was time for me to break away and head in a new direction. It was time for me to finally be who I was meant to be. A writer.

Getting a book deal, for me anyway, is nothing like the movies.  I don’t have a deadline or a check for $10,000,000 in my hands. I have weeks. Weeks to wait patiently before I get my edits back to see how my book is progressing.  I have time. Time to think about each and every word that I have written and each one I will write. All day long in my head I write and rewrite future chapters. I read everything I have written to see what the heck they saw in me in the first place.   And I think. I think about everything I had gone through to get to tonight. To this deck attached to this house. To this life, that I love. I think about the pain, tears, and even blood that lead me to this life. I would not change any of it for even a second. In order to live this life, I had to live another one before. A life that was hard but also not unfamiliar to many people. I was given this life because I am strong enough to live and now I am strong enough to write about it.

I will keep blogging about my book writing journey. I will keep you all updated. In the meantime, read my series again. Listen to my podcast ‘link below’ and follow me on yet another journey of self discovery.

 

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“Let’s Get Wicked Deep” A Podcast with Kelly Smith…Episode 1 “And Introducing”…

Click on the link to hear my very first podcast show. Bear with me as I am still working out the kinks. Soon to be released on iTunes and Google Play.  If you or someone you know is or has been in a narcissistic relationship and you are interested in being a guest on my show, please email me at~ letsgetwickeddeep@yahoo.com

 

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Kelly Smith~ Sign in the Rear View Mirror~ UPDATE

I want to thank everyone who has been reading, sharing, posting, and most of all supporting me on this journey to create awareness of Narcissism, and everything that comes with it, in relationships. As you know I have been writing each week about my personal experiences within my own relationship. I have received so many calls, texts, messages, and emails of support, questions, concerns and Ah~Ha moments in some of your lives. I write to help. So it is sad for me to let you all know the series will NOT continue for me. I have hung up my weekly blog “Signs in the Rear View Mirror” for good. But I am happy to announce that I have signed a book deal with Sunny Day Publishing to put my experance into a book. Whoot!!! While I write my book, I will continue to blog just not about my relationship. I have also created a PodCast ” Lets Get Wicked Deep with Kelly Smith” that will soon be launching. On my show I will have recovering Narcissists, empaths, and friends and family from both side. It is my goal to continue to expose this personality disorder and all that it entails.

So stay tuned for not only my book but my PodCast as well. If you or anyone you know would like to be a guest on my show, please send me a message at letsgetwickeddeep@yahoo.com.  Please follow my blog and my social media sites for updates on my progress and be sure to download and listen to my new PodCast!!!!

Facebook~ Kelly Marie Smith/fan page

Twitter~ Kellye95

Instagram~ Thoughtsbecomingwords

 

Thank you all again for so much of your support!!!!IMG_1005