Riser.

I have been given this amazing gift. The gift of forgiveness. The gift of freedom. The gift of this beautiful, amazing, new beginning. I have not fully realized this until today. Today I hung up the phone. Inhaled deeply and headed to take a shower.

My day was a usual day of football practice, Netflix, chicken sausage with my Spark, the gym, cracking up with my goddaughter, communicating with a handsome gentleman, and of course going back and forth about what, when, or even if I was going to write. I have been battling a few demons and although my words are begging to come out, I seem to be hoarding them. Keeping them for myself. I am not sure what I am afraid of, but I will tell you, I am afraid. Those last chapters describe so much hurt and so much pain. I think maybe I am afraid of reliving and having to began the healing process all over again. I may be afraid of reality. I am unsure at this point. But I do have a large group of folks who are eagerly waiting to see those words that I am selfishly holding hostage. Those words will anger some. Heal some. Expose some. But for now it is MY story. My words that make up who I am. Once they are released into the wild, and they will be, it will no longer be just my story or my words. I will share them with everyone  but right now I am holding onto my last bits of privacy. My last bits of secrecy. My last bits of a long, thorny journey that is has finally come to an end.

A weight was taken off of my shoulders today. And for all of us who are or who have been suffering with ending a relationship with a toxic person in fear of them changing for someone else, let me put your minds at ease. They do not change. They are the exact same person they were with you, but now worse. Tonight as I got in the shower I thanked God for my journey. My path. My road that was paved with nothing but shit storms, sadness ,and total confusion. I thanked God for giving me my freedom and the amazing life I am living. I am not living a Facebook amazing life, I am living an actual amazing life. I am surrounded with nothing but supportive friends who love me. I have the most amazing family. My kids are here and I have a full house with the addition of my goddaughter being with me until she leaves for college and I finally figured out my hair. My life is full. And I am free to enjoy this new beginning I have been given.  And I will enjoy this life. I will not take it for granted. I will love hard and I will rest easy, but I will never forget my lessons and I will never have to wonder ever again.

There is hope. Be brave. Come, sit with me and lets talk…..IMG_6841

Kelly Smith~Signs in the Rear View Mirror~ Book Update!!!

When I began writing about my previous relationship, I had no idea how many of you were in the same situation. Some through it, others smack in the middle. Some needed clarity, while others just needed to relate to someone. When I started seeing Jake, I wanted a relationship not a weekly series on destruction. But today I am grateful for Jake. I am grateful for every second I had with him, all of it. The good and the bad. Without him, I would not be who I am today. Today I am healthy. I am ready. I am a new woman. A woman I am proud of. A mom who has a clue. A friend who now can feel love and support. An ex-wife who understand and respects boundaries. A sister who is present and shows up. An aunt who brings fancy toothbrushes and who is the proud owner of a very impressive Pokemon card. I had to hit the ground in order to rise. I needed to be broken so I could be rebuilt. Granted it didn’t have to hurt that much. It didn’t have to be that destructive, but it was and here I am today. Today because of my strength and my amazing support system I am able to write so others can understand this type of relationship and seek help or at least have hope to hold onto.

You, my readers, are on this journey with me. You are here reading and you are hopeful for a happy ending. Spoiler alert, there are no happy endings in real life, but there is hope and happiness along with sadness on the way. I am hopeful for happiness with someone else, but right now, today I have so much happiness on my own I am giving some away on the street corner. So if you are in this sort of relationship, I am waiting for you here, with the blue skies, green grass and a ton of belly laughs. When you show up, we shall have tea!

The progression of my book is in full force. I have pretty much completed the first 10 chapters. I have about 4 more to go. I have added more detail to each of my “episodes”. I have taken a little turn that my editor seemed to really enjoy. I am pretty excited about that. But the chapters that I have yet to write, will not be easy to get out nor will they spill all over my laptop. These chapters will be difficult. Painful. I am not sure I am ready to open this box, but I will.

In The Land of Mom: the tale of a narcissistic mother

Jake’s Final Destination, Austin Texas: coming face to face with the FBI and a 5 pound criminal record.

The Love Triangle: He met her, fell in love ,and cheated. But kept a huge secret that I discovered..

Recovery: Hello past its nice to meet you, my name is Kelly I am ready for you to dismantle me and help put the pieces back together..

These are extremely difficult to write, for obvious reasons. I have been through hell and I am here. This does not mean I am looking forward to my readers sitting up late at night seeing my biggest mistakes and my regrets, but this is why I have been giving both this gift and this amazing life. Of course those are only working titles, but for me I need to face the fact that I am going to expos some pretty intense moments with the entire world. But I know my readers read because I am truthful. Raw. Real. Honest. It is because of this so many can relate. If you have not yet tunes into my podcast on dating, check it out!!! Link below!!

 

 

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Let’s Get Wicked Deep~ A Podcast~ The Space Between No Longer and Not Yet~ Episode 2

” As I sat across the table from him, just him, I felt as ease. Safe. Happy. Interested. In that moment and for the rest of the night, that was the only place I wanted to be, near him. For the first time in a very long time, Jake was not present with me. With us. It was just the two of us laughing, living, and beginning again”.

Take your time and live in the darkness so you can also begin again…..

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