It Has Always Been Up To You. So Decide. Is This The Life You Want….?

I saw the Transformers movie yesterday. In itself, that is no great feat. But for me it was. I saw the Transformer movies with Jake. In between the name calling, gas lighting, and walking on egg shells, we did normal things. Movies, private jokes, and we had dreams about our future. But going to the movies was our thing. We saw all but one Twilight movie together ( something I am sure he wants to keep to himself)  and most of the Transformer movies together. He also had a thing for action movies. Not my first choice, but I would go just to make him happy.  He would get sour patch watermelons and I would go for peanut M&M’s. We sat close, entangled in each other and enjoyed our time together. So when the latest installment of my all time favorite 80’s cartoon remake was released, it made me think of him and if I wanted to see it at all…But I did. And I was excited to go. I have a thing for Optimus Prime and not much can keep me from seeing him on the big screen. As I searched movie times my mind scanned to who I could go with. I am ok with going alone and it would not have been my first time doing that, but I scanned my mind nonetheless. Hours later I was sitting in the ice cold theater, a place you can often find me in the summer months, and I was snug between my oldest son and my only Goddaughter. As we sat together all facing the same way with our legs sprawled out in front of us, I fell into my seat between them a little softer. I had a moment where I visioned grabbing their hands and holding them, but then I realized that was a crazy idea and that idea stayed in my head where it belonged. But I was happy. I was with people I loved and who loved me back and I was watching a movie I was excited about. I realized after the movie and on the way home, Jake never popped up in my mind. His presence was not missed, or not thought of. He, like on my date with Matt, was not there like he had been so many times before.  His memory holding me back from so much. I had to decided he was no longer worth thinking about or associating him with things he once was associated with. It was up to me to move on and leave him in my rear view. And I did.

So what causes someone to get into a relationship like that and stay? A healthy minded woman will not voluntary walk in and stay in a bad situation. Wether it’s a romantic relationship, friendship or even job. A healthy, cared for person will know his/her value, see the red flags and peace out. But not all of us are lucky enough to be raised by healthy parents. I am not saying everyone who has healthy parents make the best decisions and I am not saying that people with unhealthy parents make bad decisions. I am giving the perspective from my own life. Going through recovery, just celebrated 3 years, has opened my eyes, heart, and mind to why I made bad relationship decisions. The following is an excerpt from my book. This is some of the dreaded chapter ten I have been struggling with. I am not yet finished with it. I have been working out the kinks, but I feel open enough to share this bit with you.

 

“I turned 9 that October and as Thanksgiving approached, so did the holidays. As we prepared for the holiday at school, Mrs. Franklin handed out a writing assignment. She handed each kid in the class a greeting card. As she walked around the room handing them out randomly she explained to the class that we were to look at our greeting cards, study them and describe in an essay what we saw. We were to be creative because this was a test grade. As she passed my desk she handed me my card. I looked at it and liked what I saw. Mine was a Christmas card. There were animal decorations hanging from a tree branch and they were wearing little Christmas hats and holding candy canes. Without thinking or stressing, I began to write. What poured out of me that day was the beginning of me. I easily described what was on my card. I gave them names, jobs and had them in conversations with each other. To me, this was easy. I wanted each assessment to be this easy. I had no idea if what I had done was good or not, but I happily handed in my essay and opened my dreaded math book. I hated math. I still hate math. A few days later my teacher told me she had called my mom so they could discuss my essay. I looked at her while her words came at me like daggers. My little stomach dropped and I wanted to poop. I had no idea why my mom was coming in, but I knew I didn’t like the idea. I went back to my desk and put my head down. As the recess bell rang all the kids left, except me. I waited in my dirty clothes for my mother. I lifted my head when Mrs. Franklin said my mom was there. We all sat down at the community table and my mom shot me a look. A “ why am I here look”, and again I wanted to poop. Mrs. Franklin pulled out my essay and the greeting card I wrote about. She read it out loud and as she did she had a smile across her face and she laughed.

As she finished she looked at my mom and she said “ Kelly is an amazing writer.  She’s so creative and funny. She’s going to be a writer when she grows up.”

My face lite up. I did a good job. She continued to say how great my essay was and she asked me if she could keep it to show the other students what a good essay looks like. I looked over at my mom knowing she was going to wrap me up in her arms and tell me how proud she was of me. But instead when I looked at her with nothing but hope in my heart and big smile across my face, she had a scowl on her face. She asked my teacher if that was the only reason she was asked to come to the school. My teacher had a blank look on her face and my mom looked at me and said “Writing is not an art form”. She got up and left. She didn’t say goodbye to me. She did’t look at me.  I was crushed. I felt bad. Ashamed. Stupid. My smile faded and so did my spirit.”

 

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Riser.

I have been given this amazing gift. The gift of forgiveness. The gift of freedom. The gift of this beautiful, amazing, new beginning. I have not fully realized this until today. Today I hung up the phone. Inhaled deeply and headed to take a shower.

My day was a usual day of football practice, Netflix, chicken sausage with my Spark, the gym, cracking up with my goddaughter, communicating with a handsome gentleman, and of course going back and forth about what, when, or even if I was going to write. I have been battling a few demons and although my words are begging to come out, I seem to be hoarding them. Keeping them for myself. I am not sure what I am afraid of, but I will tell you, I am afraid. Those last chapters describe so much hurt and so much pain. I think maybe I am afraid of reliving and having to began the healing process all over again. I may be afraid of reality. I am unsure at this point. But I do have a large group of folks who are eagerly waiting to see those words that I am selfishly holding hostage. Those words will anger some. Heal some. Expose some. But for now it is MY story. My words that make up who I am. Once they are released into the wild, and they will be, it will no longer be just my story or my words. I will share them with everyone  but right now I am holding onto my last bits of privacy. My last bits of secrecy. My last bits of a long, thorny journey that is has finally come to an end.

A weight was taken off of my shoulders today. And for all of us who are or who have been suffering with ending a relationship with a toxic person in fear of them changing for someone else, let me put your minds at ease. They do not change. They are the exact same person they were with you, but now worse. Tonight as I got in the shower I thanked God for my journey. My path. My road that was paved with nothing but shit storms, sadness ,and total confusion. I thanked God for giving me my freedom and the amazing life I am living. I am not living a Facebook amazing life, I am living an actual amazing life. I am surrounded with nothing but supportive friends who love me. I have the most amazing family. My kids are here and I have a full house with the addition of my goddaughter being with me until she leaves for college and I finally figured out my hair. My life is full. And I am free to enjoy this new beginning I have been given.  And I will enjoy this life. I will not take it for granted. I will love hard and I will rest easy, but I will never forget my lessons and I will never have to wonder ever again.

There is hope. Be brave. Come, sit with me and lets talk…..IMG_6841

Kelly Smith~Signs in the Rear View Mirror~ Book Update!!!

When I began writing about my previous relationship, I had no idea how many of you were in the same situation. Some through it, others smack in the middle. Some needed clarity, while others just needed to relate to someone. When I started seeing Jake, I wanted a relationship not a weekly series on destruction. But today I am grateful for Jake. I am grateful for every second I had with him, all of it. The good and the bad. Without him, I would not be who I am today. Today I am healthy. I am ready. I am a new woman. A woman I am proud of. A mom who has a clue. A friend who now can feel love and support. An ex-wife who understand and respects boundaries. A sister who is present and shows up. An aunt who brings fancy toothbrushes and who is the proud owner of a very impressive Pokemon card. I had to hit the ground in order to rise. I needed to be broken so I could be rebuilt. Granted it didn’t have to hurt that much. It didn’t have to be that destructive, but it was and here I am today. Today because of my strength and my amazing support system I am able to write so others can understand this type of relationship and seek help or at least have hope to hold onto.

You, my readers, are on this journey with me. You are here reading and you are hopeful for a happy ending. Spoiler alert, there are no happy endings in real life, but there is hope and happiness along with sadness on the way. I am hopeful for happiness with someone else, but right now, today I have so much happiness on my own I am giving some away on the street corner. So if you are in this sort of relationship, I am waiting for you here, with the blue skies, green grass and a ton of belly laughs. When you show up, we shall have tea!

The progression of my book is in full force. I have pretty much completed the first 10 chapters. I have about 4 more to go. I have added more detail to each of my “episodes”. I have taken a little turn that my editor seemed to really enjoy. I am pretty excited about that. But the chapters that I have yet to write, will not be easy to get out nor will they spill all over my laptop. These chapters will be difficult. Painful. I am not sure I am ready to open this box, but I will.

In The Land of Mom: the tale of a narcissistic mother

Jake’s Final Destination, Austin Texas: coming face to face with the FBI and a 5 pound criminal record.

The Love Triangle: He met her, fell in love ,and cheated. But kept a huge secret that I discovered..

Recovery: Hello past its nice to meet you, my name is Kelly I am ready for you to dismantle me and help put the pieces back together..

These are extremely difficult to write, for obvious reasons. I have been through hell and I am here. This does not mean I am looking forward to my readers sitting up late at night seeing my biggest mistakes and my regrets, but this is why I have been giving both this gift and this amazing life. Of course those are only working titles, but for me I need to face the fact that I am going to expos some pretty intense moments with the entire world. But I know my readers read because I am truthful. Raw. Real. Honest. It is because of this so many can relate. If you have not yet tunes into my podcast on dating, check it out!!! Link below!!

 

 

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Let’s Get Wicked Deep~ A Podcast~ The Space Between No Longer and Not Yet~ Episode 2

” As I sat across the table from him, just him, I felt as ease. Safe. Happy. Interested. In that moment and for the rest of the night, that was the only place I wanted to be, near him. For the first time in a very long time, Jake was not present with me. With us. It was just the two of us laughing, living, and beginning again”.

Take your time and live in the darkness so you can also begin again…..

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